Control Freaks and Independent Women

When I first became widowed, I was meeting my niece who had gone through a divorce, and going to a church on Sunday on the north side.  One time we went to this restaurant for a single’s social, and there were 20 women and one man and some guy came by at the long restaurant table, and asked if he was head rooster?  It was embarrassing, and my niece and I ended up changing to the Zionsville Presbyterian church singles groups that had a better balance between men and women when they had a single’s pastor, and my niece met her husband now in that group.  

Then I was going to Avon church singles where it was closer to my home, and there were times my friend Terry, and I would go and we were the only two women that would show up for the Bible study among many men.  I did not like that ratio either.  I really look for balance in life in all things, and I consider that God likes balance too. 

A false balance is an abomination to the Lord, But a just weight is His delight. Proverbs 11:1

God put me with a husband who was Type A personality (a control freak).  He was a natural leader as a firstborn, and I am an independent woman as the birth order of baby of the family– it’s was a match made in heaven.   LOL

How do I know my husband was a control freak? I can never remember one time where my husband would actually walk hand in hand with me – he always had to be up front.  Sort of reminds me of ducks and he had to be the leader.  I used to get very upset with him at amusement parks (not very amusing) and sometimes I would see if even noticed when he was walking so fast if he would slow down.   He would lose us before he even noticed that he was walking too far ahead of us.

I heard this series on marriage quite a few years ago that you can tell who the domineering person is in a household and here is one way: You walk into a house and the man has an easy chair in front of the television – takes over control of the television remote, he has the nice car and the wife is driving the station wagon,  she has very few cooking utensils to cook with and dishes are mismatched, or you walk in and toys are spread all over the floor (kids rule the house).  My husband and I went looking at used homes when we first were getting married before we decided to build later, and we ran into this one home with a bunch of teenagers in the hot tub we had this feeling that the teenagers ruled that home.  The teens were watching video games in the middle of the family room or controlling the television.   Look whose stuff had taken over the house!

There is no doubt in my mind who the king of the castle was in my house as far as my husband had his papers spread out in the living room, had an extra bedroom for his clothes and things, took over the garage and basement, and had his own office, and then griped about my stuff in the bedroom, because he wanted to take that over too.  One of my top complaints – I don’t want to get stuck with all your junk if anything happens to you, which I did. 

When I was dating my husband, he told me that his ex-pursued him, and even asked him to marry her.   I told him that there was no way.  He would call me, he would pursue me, and he would ask me to marry him.  He did the chasing.  I know many roles in our society have gotten reversed, but I’ve read even secular columns, and I don’t like to cut off a man’s masculinity, I like a guy to take the reins.   I’m only going to buck his decisions if they are so far off the wall that he is putting the family in danger.  That is what Nabal did in the Bible where he caused the whole household to be in jeopardy because of his selfishness.  

I can relate to David in the Bible for we don’t know how many sisters David had since his sisters were not recorded,  but his “hiding” out in the shepherd fields.  As a young child, I loved to go and spend hours and hours in the woods singing with the birds and looking at insects—much like in the Sound of the Music where Maria van Trap wanted to get away from the nuns telling her what to do at the Abbey. 
I loved having tea parties with my dolls.  When I got a chance in the summer to go out and play with my friends that was even better, but my neighbor boy who was a middle child was always trying to boss me around so we got in fights once in a while.  My brother was five years older so he bossed me around, my sister was 12 years older so she never got a chance very long to boss me around since she moved out when I was six years old.  So what did I do in kindergarten?  I read the teacher’s report and it says I bossed the boys around – I took out my frustrations on others of being the baby and getting bossed around! 

I’ve done some things I would call crazy in life.  I took my son and joined a Christian evangelistic group at 19 years old, and lived in a tent/camper to preach the gospel.  Three years later, after I left that group, I drove from Indiana to Florida with my son to live in Florida because I liked a church in Florida.  I also drove to  Tulsa, Oklahoma with my son, and our dog, a broken down car I had to put a quart of oil in every 50 miles.  My husband was attending a Bible college there, and I had to take care some loose ends before I could go.

I’ve done a lot of “independent” things in life.   I’ve also been out street evangelism with my guitar on my own and when the Horizon Calvary Chapel northside church decided they no longer wanted to go minister in the girl’s prison ministry, I brought my guitar and continued to go by myself.  The nice thing about being independent is that I don’t have to wait for someone to say – let’s go street evangelizing, prison ministry or help others, because I’ve already done those things by myself. 

Jonathan in the Bible decided to take his armor bearer and not wait for Saul to wake up and go take a hill, 1 Samuel 14.  He asked God for a confirmation that God was with him.   I ask God for two or three confirmations.  Usually, those confirmations are scriptures, but I’ve had other signs I know were from God.  

The hardest thing now has been to ask anyone for help.   I try to fix things myself.  I learned to paint and do home repairs through my sister.  My sister shingled her own roof, built a deck on her house, laid ceramic tile, helped a contractor build a second story on her house, changed her car tires, my sister was very independent.  So was my niece, my niece changed the starter on one of my cars.  I only once did auto mechanics one time, and that was change valve cover gaskets and being covered in grease head to toe, I don’t like auto mechanics.  My husband was very independent too, and living with him was like a self-contained island since he was handy at repairs. 

Through forty years as a believer, the Lord has shown me that we carry much of our independence over to asking God for help –for his strength and for things so I’ve not been hard-headed about asking God for help.  The other thing the Lord showed me in this journey is not to let the harshness of this world and people make me hard-hearted.  That is the temptation in going through divorce it says that “hardness of heart” causes divorce.    Over and over in the Bible, it says “do not harden your heart.”  The Bible talks about keeping a tender-heart/forgiving spirit.

Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. Matthew 19:8

After Jesus appeared to the Eleven as they were eating; he rebuked them for their lack of faith and their stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen him after he had risen. Mark 16:14

As has just been said: "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion." Hebrews 3:15

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32