Flatten by A Freight Train in Life? Thank God I Am Still Blessed - Part I

…..to comfort all who mourn,  and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise  instead of a spirit of despair. Isaiah 61:1-3

Not all widows, will experience the same type of trauma I went through as far as my husband having a sudden heart attack in front of me, but most will experience separation anxiety, i.e. like when a baby leaves his/her mother the first time to go to a babysitter and then becomes clingy when he/she sees his mother again.  When everyone of us are born, we leave the comfort of our mother's warm womb inside her body.  Losing a spouse is like coming into this world in shock and losing the comfort of a husband and than an extreme loneliness sets in from losing the expected lifetime companion. 

Listening to the word of God on CD every night helped me get through the video camera of the tragedy playing over and over again in my mind of what I should have done or did not do.  In the movie “Hereafter” with actor Matt Damon, the visions of the afterlife were so disturbing, he would listen to Charles Dicken’s every night on CD.  The experience of losing my husband in front of me was a constant torment in my mind many nights.  When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. Psalm 77:2

The separation anxiety I experience in missing my husband has given me a greater burden for unsaved people, because I can’t imagine being cut off eternally from the presence of God.  Not being able to touch, taste, hear, see my beloved husband again on earth is one thing, but being eternally separated from God is another!   We know that there is a “restraining power” from all hell breaking loose on the earth and the restraining power is God’s spirit living inside us Christians.  Once a person leaves this life if they did not accept Jesus Christ into their heart, there is no restraining power that exists for them. For the mystery of lawlessness is already at work; only he who now restrains will do so until he is taken out of the way. 2 Thess. 2:7

God hears our prayers and as Moses interceded for the children of Israel we intercede for the unsaved. Jesus ever lives at the right hand of God making intercession for us.  Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them. Hebrews 7:25

I had a freight train roll over my life and squash any desire to exist on the planet.   I have options and I’ve known widows who curl up in a ball (the fetal position) and they have passed away in a few days, months or years later from a broken heart.  My understanding is that Johnny Cash passed away soon after June Carter died.  I’m learning more not to give into a spirit of despair that wants to take over my life.  I’ve done a lot of crying and drenching my pillow with tears the last three years.  It’s because I used to go to bed at night cuddling next to my husband’s warm body and wake up to his smiling face.  It’s Bette Midler's song, “Wind Beneath My Wings “ only in reverse, the wind beneath my wings or sails went out and the sails on my ship were blown through with cannon balls and there is no wind that can hold in my sails now. 

On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Psalm 63:6

You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book. Psalm 56:8

I am thanking God every day that I’m blessed. 

I wake up every morning usually not wanting to get out of bed.  No desire to get out of bed or want to exist, but I thank God, “I’m blessed with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places.”  “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ,” Ephesians 1:3

When I go to bed, I thank God when I lay down how God loves me and I’m blessed.  I thank God He has a future and hope for me. 

I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. Psalm 3:5

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Thanking God on my bed that I’m blessed helps me to get my mind in a positive gear when I start the day. It’s like you are not starting your car in reverse in your drive way!  Let the saints rejoice in this honor and sing for joy on their beds. Psalm 149:5

My husband and I went to Pacer’s game when Reggie Miller played and my husband's company had season tickets close up front at Conseco Fieldhouse.  I would ask my husband how do professional teams win when they both have such great talent physically?  He told me it’s their mental attitude that makes the difference.  It is the third man.  Although, both teams are equally matched, the mental attitude of one team can outweigh the other team.  Saying I’m blessed everyday counteracts the grief and the negativity and trauma that came in my life with losing my husband from a sudden heart attack.  It’s the only way I can counteract the enemy in my life and his laughter against me continually like the Wicked Witch of the West who captured Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  She kept laughing that when the hour glass ran out that would be the end of her life.  Joy was sucked out of my life by grief.

I could not understand how my mom was depressed after losing my dad and 50+ years of marriage as far as my visits and the grandchildren visits were not enough in life.  My sister understood my mother’s depression because she was widowed twice, once at 42 years old and then again around 57 years of age.  I’ve posted the song Homesick at the bottom of this message and I’ve gone through a lot of Homesicknesses the last three years of wanting to leave earth and be with my family in heaven.  

My husband was a “buffer” for me when I lost my parents and my sister.  Since he was taken that buffer is gone and I’m missing them more now.  My husband was a buffer for losing my parents, a buffer against the rejection of my ex-husbands, a buffer for the trials and tribulation I go through in life that helped me get through and face each day.  Buffer zone: a neutral zone between two rival powers that is created in order to diminish the danger of conflict.  Having the strength to face 10,000 enemies each day is quite different than the strength to only slay 1,000 each day.

How could one man chase a thousand, or two put ten thousand to flight, unless their Rock had sold them, unless the LORD had given them up? Duet. 32:30

Sometimes, my life seems like the game of Monopoly where you go back in life to the beginning and in divorce you can lose a house, cash and are back to square one.  I’m not back to square one.  I’m farther along in the process of life than I was before as far as who I am.  That is one thing that the enemy cannot take away from us.  Each trial and tribulation, I’ve come farther along.   He can try to steal the word out of our hearts if we let him, our possessions and even our loved ones, but we can chose to stand on God’s word and he can’t take who we are.  We are new creations in Christ Jesus. There are not always “rhyme or reason” for things that happen to us in life.  I’ve had two miscarriages in life and several close call car accidents so I believe some things that happen in my life are attacks physically from the enemy.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.' Matthew 6:13

Be Teachable Because God Resists the Proud

if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

There are Christians I meet and you can’t tell them anything, they know it all.  One thing I like about going to college is that it expands your mind that you need to learn new ideas from others.  I’ve worked on teams in college and you learn brainstorming with each other.   I’m concerned about people that stay at home alone too much and just have their own thoughts all day long.  The nice thing about being married for fifteen years is that I had a person to bounce ideas around.   Being left too much to one’s own ways is not good.  It can lead to unhealthy thought processes.  It is not good for man/woman to be alone.

Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others. Proverbs 12:15 & Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Proverbs 19:20
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Genesis 2:18

You will not hear me say, I told you so.  “I told you so” is not in my vocabulary.  I had a minister say that to me once and I know God has a way of making us eat our words and I know he ate those words in his life as far as his own trials in life.  I don’t want to eat my words, but I want to eat God’s word and have God’s word in my mouth.  

When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O LORD God Almighty. Jeremiah 15:16

So I went to the angel and asked him to give me the little scroll. He said to me, "Take it and eat it. It will turn your stomach sour, but in your mouth it will be as sweet as honey." Revelation 10:9

How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! Psalm 119:103

I will say. “I warned you.”  So be on your guard! Remember that for three years I never stopped warning each of you night and day with tears. Acts 20:31

I remember a minister saying that his sixteen year old son had a visitation from an “angel of light.”  It was at that age of life where he thought he had all the answers and knew more than his dad. There are certain times that pride can take over our life and we think we have all the answers.  The one thing I realize as I become a “seasoned” Christian is that I don’t know more than my heavenly Father and understand His ways.  I may not be happy about what happens in my life, but I trust that God has my best interests at heart because he is my heavenly Father!

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

Although I may feel like a living zombie at times and don’t want to get out of bed, Father knows what is best in my life.  Like that television show, “Father Knows Best (1954-1960).” I’ve got a whole lot more I need to know and learn!  I don’t know if we ever can do enough to spread the gospel and reach the lost.   The main lesson that most of us believe is that we are a better person for knowing a child we lost or our husband.  So although their life was cut short, the joy of knowing them was worth the gift for a season even though it was taken away.

There are two kinds of pride, one is boasting about what you do for God (spiritual pride) and the other is natural pride.  If you boast about all the things you do for God than you already have your crown here on earth.  Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. Matthew 6:1 

We are to provoke one another to love and good works so there is an excitement about what God is doing through us but there is a difference about God moving through us and us boasting about us doing works for God. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. Hebrews 10:24

I believe most of us have some type of pride and if we don’t believe that than we are not being honest with ourselves.  I believe a good definition of natural pride is not having patience with others for their stupidity.  My husband had no patience with me in that I could do Algebra equations in my head like he could.  He was gifted in Math and Science.  For most people gifted in an area they will have pride when they see you are weak.  Some singles are gifted in celibacy whereas I struggle in that area being single.  I thought I would write a singles book called the Agony and Ecstasy, some of us are called to celibacy and the rest of us are in agony.  

I have a lack of tolerance for people full of negativity.  If I talk to a guy from an online dating site and he is negative on the phone and is not enthusiastic about talking to me then I won’t meet him.  I meet some people don’t want to be healed either physically or emotionally.  “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink!” They are comfortable being sick and in misery.  They seem to like it.  There are too many people hurting to be distracted by those wanting to stay in their misery.  When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?" John 5:6   I’ve learned my lesson that I can pray for more grace on those who want to stay in seclusion, but I don’t have to worry about helping those who don’t want to be helped.  There are too many lonely people like the Beatles song, “Eleanor Rigby” who want to be visited and helped.

In the movie It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey decides to jump off a bridge when he realizes that a bank roll deposit is missing and he will be in trouble with the police.  An angel gives him a chance to experience the world if he got his wish of never being born and never met his wife, did not have children and did not save his brother from the pharmacist wrong prescription.  It seems that in life we have to come to the end of ourselves or the end of our rope. The end of our own dependence and strength before we look up to God and realize that we can’t make it in life on our own.

The Pharisees believed they knew it all.  Their heads were puffed up with knowledge of God, but did not understand God’s love nature:

Now about food sacrificed to idols: We know that we all possess knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. 1 Cor. 8:1

The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.' "But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.' I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."  Luke 18:12-14

Jesus resisted the Pharisees. God resists the proud. 

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:10

Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." 1 Peter 5:5

For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. Matthew 23:12

Homesick by Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now