Before my husband passed away, we visited my daughter who lived in LA and that song came on the radio at her apartment by the Pussycats Dolls, “Don’t Ya.” I was singing it and dancing with my daughters, and my husband just grinned and I know he thought, “Woman you are not sexier than anyone’s girlfriend.” I’m glad I saw myself as a sexy woman, and I was 40 lbs. heavier when I was singing that in California. I love being a woman and I like the way God has made me.
My clothes were getting tighter and tighter, and I had to buy women's size 16, but I did not see myself as overweight. I was a skinny sexy lady in my heart trapped in a blimp body. I saw myself sexy, and it was not because of my husband.
My husband did not compliment me. He never said he liked my eyes, my hair, my smile, clothes, or anything externally or spiritually about me. He never complimented me when we were dating except to say I made him happy. When I complained about his lack of compliments after we were married, he said that he did not compliment any women in his office at work either. At least my husband was not super critical. I believe he was not super critical, because he pleased his own father in life.
It is God that gave me a good self-esteem that was not based on my physical body. My self-esteem came from my relationship with my heavenly Father through Jesus and God's image inside my spirit person created from God. Man was made in God’s image. I have the new nature of my heavenly Father inside of me since I've been recreated/reborn.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27
and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Colossians 3:10
and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:24
Some of these stories you hear about a woman who shot her minister husband for making her try on lingerie gives Christian women a bad rap. Many of my Christian single women friends are very sexy. A Chinese Christian professor said to me that Chinese men want their women to be a good cook, good mother, good socialite in the community, and a tiger in the bedroom. My husband and I went shopping together for the lingerie he wanted me to wear. My heavenly Father made me a creature who loves sex and companionship and there is no amount of people’s negativity about marriage that is going to change that. I’ve heard stories about women wearing flannel pajamas, night caps and footie’s to bed. Burn them all. I burned my bra during my teenage years and the flannel pajamas.
Take some dancing lessons to help you feel sexier. My husband and I took dancing lessons at Arthur Murray studios where I learned the waltz, Rumba, Fox-Trot, Cha-cha-cha and the swing. They were trying to help me “loosen up” and I was very uptight dancing. I recently went to an Indian dance recital for a friend, and they had some beautiful dancing with veils. I can picture myself with all those nice veils as a way to seduce a husband. Although I’ve been dumped in the past by an ex, I’ve treated my men so nice that they bounce back like rubber bands or boomerangs. I just determined that I don't want to go back into Egypt after a good relationship.
Women must have had some great “hip movements” back in Jesus day. Herodias daughter danced before Herod, and he was so pleased he was willing to give her any request up to half his kingdom. If I do that type of dancing, men may offer me something, but I don’t think it will half their kingdom or their assets! Other great dances to learn are the Zumba, Greek/Hawaiian belly dances, and the Russians have some sexy dances. I’m talking about “pleasing your man.” Paul said that when you are married, you want to please your husband or wife. I’m talking about how I had a happy marriage! I pleased my man, and for men it’s a lot about sex! There were times I may have not felt like doing my marital duty, but most of the time it was a joy, and my husband was pleased when I initiated it. He never turned me down once.
But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband. 1 Cor. 7:34
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 1 Cor. 7:3
After we were married, My husband said he liked my cooking and I treated him well in other areas… Those were the compliments I had to live on for 14 years of marriage. I think that is why he thanked me for taking time off studying for college to come get him when he was out playing on his jet skis, and his car broke down the week before he passed away. I would considered that more of an expectation as being his wife to come rescue him when he was stranded.
When I tell single women that I miss my husband shoveling the snow, sitting next to me in the car, eating dinner with me, fixing things around the house, and many little things, some women did not even get those morsels from their spouse with continuous strife, and yet they were supposed to love and adore their man each night in bed. Some women lived on a lot less morsels or crumbs from their husbands.
But he answered and said, It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast [it] to dog. Yes, Lord," she said, "but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table." Matthew 15:26
Whenever anyone compliments me now, it is rather hard to accept, because more Christians I meet especially single Christians tend to point out faults in my life. I was watching that movie HOP about his dad telling him that he was proud of his son, but I don’t remember my dad saying he was proud of me or telling me he loved me. My mom did. I think maybe one time when I sang a solo, and I was in a gymnastics event in elementary school. I remember my report cards would have mainly A’s, and then he would point out one B. By junior high, I gave up on pleasing my dad, so he was lucky to see a B on my report card. My father was the discourager in my life. First, with the belt when I was four or five years old with harsh discipline, next through my grades in school. My sister was discouraged too with harsh punishment. A professor at work said his father was the same way as far as pointing out a B on his report card, when he had all other A’s.
And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not make your children resentful. Otherwise, they'll become discouraged. Colossian 3:21
My brother pleased my dad, and he seemed to do what my dad wanted him to do. I joined a Christian ministry, rather than going to college at first, so I was not following in his footsteps. What is interesting is my sister-in-law has the same experience with her dad. Her brother (my husband) followed in his dad footsteps, but she did not. During my daughter’s 21st birthday trip to Las Vegas, I ended up spending most of my time encouraging my sister-in-law about her relationship with her dad.
Many fathers give their children conditional love. My guess is the experience I meet with many women and men they probably had critical fathers in growing up then ended up with critical husbands or wives. I can’t expect much love and understanding from others, because they probably don’t see God as a loving heavenly Father if all they have to draw from is their negative experience with an earthly dad. If you constantly see God as some tyrant like the Wizard of Oz, how would you want to go boldly before the throne of grace and ask God for your requests? You figure that God is super critical like an earthly dad and you end up being critical yourself.
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16
How was my earthly father supposed to be to me? Mine was not a Christian.
As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear (reverence) him; Psalm 103:13
For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory. 1 Thess 2:11
Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:11-13
This morning when I woke up, the Lord encouraged me and said that Satan can steal a lot of things from us in life, but he can’t steal the love out of my heart. Satan does not understand love and he does not operate from love. I still have the love for my husband in my heart, and Satan cannot steal that from me. He may have taken out my husband early, and some of my family members in death, but Satan can’t rip off love in my life. Love is the most powerful force in the world. Though “all else” fails in life, God’s love will never fail in our life, and God’s love will put us over life's difficulties.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 1 Cor. 13:8
neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:39
Death may have separated my husband and I, but I still have that love in my heart. The last “enemy” in life that will be destroyed is death! It says death is an enemy. I don’t see death as a “blessing." God knew when the time came, and my husband’s heart wore out. Like the horse Secretariat was born with an enlarged heart and died young, my husband had an enlarged heart as a child due to asthma. My husband loved to run in life.
The last enemy to be destroyed is death. 1 Cor. 15:26
Husbands Love Your Wives
I have a hard time with men who won’t admit they have any problems. When I determine a man has a “need to be right” I will look him straight in the eyes, and tell him he needs to get rid of that attitude. My husband took all the marriage guilt for 13 years of his marriage and so did I. We were both the scapegoats of the marriage failure by our ex-spouses. I took on nine years of guilt in a previous marriage failure as far as I was not spiritual enough, was born too tall and I was 15 lbs. overweight. My ex said he was never going to ask for forgiveness in the marriage when we got in an argument. It was because of my stubbornness in not admitting I could have faults when I was in my 20's. After my ex left me because of my faults of course, the Lord encouraged me not to take all the blame anymore, and God started building up my self esteem. I find other people not willing to accept that they can make a mistake. If I make a mistake, I won’t hesitate to admit I made the mistake and then fix the problem. If I did not make a mistake than I don’t accept the blame, and still try to fix the problem.
I was a woman not loved by my first husband. Like Leah, God opened up my womb with children, because I was not loved physically or emotionally by him. He would not even sleep in the same bed with me. Sex was so infrequent, I knew each time I conceived. Children were the compensation by God for staying faithful in that marriage.
When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. Genesis 29:31
Although, he did not love me, and did not treat me as valuable and precious, God sent other Christians in my life who saw me as valuable and precious, and most importantly is that God sees us as valuable and precious in his eyes. I maintained my walk with the Lord, so whether any man or woman on the face of the planet, your friends or family see you or treat you as valuable and precious we know that Jesus paid a high price for our redemption, and he sees us as valuable and precious. When you have your heavenly Father’s image and God’s mark inside, everyone else can kiss your booty….just joking. I pray and claim favor with man as far as who God wants me to have favor with. There are some people that are going to end up with the mark of the beast. We have the image and seal of our heavenly Father as Christians inside of us. Unlike the beast it will be based on an external idol worship rather than worshipping God in our hearts.
The third angel followed them and said in a loud voice: "If anyone worships the beast and his image and receives his mark on the forehead or on the hand, Revelations 14:9
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Ephesians 4:30
I believe God hates emotional and physical abuse more than he hates divorce. It's because there are some sins that only affect you, but then other sins such as abuse that hurts another person. The Bible talks about not putting a stumbling block in our brother's path.
Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. Romans 14:13
Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall. 1 Cor. 8:13
Part of my problem was I did not make my ex accountable with other Christian men to treat me right. Eventually, all our male friends quit coming over, because of his abusive treatment, and a Christian woman encouraged me that God would give me a man who would sleep in bed with me, and love me one day. She said that she had a man that denied her the intimacy of sleeping in the same bed with her. When a Christian backslides like Saul did in the Bible, they can be worse than before they were a Christian. The Bible talks about being seven times worse. If a thief steals they had to pay back seven times.
When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. Then he says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when he comes, he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first. So shall it also be with this wicked generation.” (Matthew 12: 43-45)
Recently, the Lord showed me that he could not bless me in an abusive marriage. When I finally broke free from the abuse is when I experienced God’s blessing in my life, and his double blessing with my husband for fifteen years. Many ministers encourage woman to stay in abusive marriage relationships. That is what I was counseled in Florida. That even though my husband was physically violent at the time, not to leave.
I left after my husband and I reconciled from his emotional affair, because he became physically violent. It was hurting the children and made them cry to see him yell at me that he hated me. He slapped and kicked me and pulled my hair. I was sitting watching Christian TV, and he would come kick me for no reason. My ex was so backslidden and full of anger/hate that not even a soft answer could turn away wrath. He was like Saul as far as a person rationalizes behavior that it is okay to abuse their wife. He threatened to hurt our unborn baby I was carrying. I should have left earlier in the marriage because of my son, but I left because I did not want our two-year old twin daughters to grow up and accept that a husband can abuse a wife. I left for the children, not because of my own self-esteem. I had little self esteem that was beat down after nine years at the time. God gently leads the flock with young. A Christian husband who continually terrorizes his wife who is pregnant is scum in God's book!
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Isaiah 40:11
I've only heard one pastor talk about leaving an abusive relationship and that was at the Zionsville Presbyterian Church. I met a woman at my former church who was being beat up by her husband and he was beating on the children. He kept promising to get better, but he would go back and do it over and over. He had alcohol abuse. I received a letter from her a few months after I encouraged her to leave him that she was living with a Christian couple and broke free from his abuse. I've financially supported the Julian Center which is a shelter for battered women the last 26 years, because of the abuse I experienced.
Much of married life can be conditional human love based on what we do and not’s God's Agape love like in the Bible, “Husbands, love (Agape) your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” From this example of Christ, Love your wife sacrificially.
I found this on the Internet about husbands loving their wives and thought it was a good commentary:
Commentary:
"When we think of Christ’s sacrifice for the church we immediately think about the cross. He died for us. If that is our example, how do we apply that? I doubt if any of us will ever be called to literally die for our wives, so how do we sacrifice? I think the key is understanding what it means to sacrifice. First we see what sacrifice is not. Sacrifice is not just acts of kindness.
One guy yelled out, “Do the ironing!” Another yelled, “Do the dishes!” Then some wise guy said, “Change the oil!” Anyway, the list can go on and on—wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, iron, give up Monday night football, etc. Most of us are challenged by such lists, because there is usually something on the list that has been forgotten. People like lists. They like steps and procedures. Why? Because they feel like they are in control. If you do those things then you have fulfilled your obligation and your conscience is pacified. But is that what it means to give sacrificial love?
What happens if we follow these steps? The husband gives up golf or hunting or Monday night football. He does all the chores around the house. He says, “I’ve got an attitude of sacrifice.” But his attitude might be self-centered. Maybe it is nothing more than working up Brownie points. He expects to be paid back. If he doesn’t get paid back, he stops trying. Maybe the question to ask is, “What is the motivation?” To put it in the terms Larry Crabb used in his book called The Marriage Builder—is the motivation manipulation or ministry? If it is manipulation, then the husband is doing it because he expects his wife will be happier and treat him better. Most people have the idea that marriage is a 50/50 relationship. That is manipulation. If he is doing it out of the idea of ministering to her then he isn’t doing it for his own benefit. He is doing it for hers. Sacrifice is risking emotional pain. You may not believe it but sacrifice really involves risking yourself.
When you look at Christ’s sacrifice you understand that His death was not just an act of kindness. It was the pain of rejection when He entered our world to call us to Himself. Before we can begin to understand this concept we must recognize the motivation. We can never comprehend why God did what He did, but I think we can get a glimpse of the motivation which will help us as husbands see what our goal is supposed to be What is our purpose as husbands? What do we expect to happen? What is the expectation of Love? Love your wife sacrificially so she blooms as God planned. The purpose of love is the perfecting of the one loved.
The next two verses have three clauses in them that show the purpose of Christ’s sacrifice and love. I think having the same goal as Christ is the key to loving. So what is His goal? Christ’s first goal is that He might sanctify her. To sanctify means to set apart. When you marry someone you set them apart from the world. They are set apart for special protection, special care, for special attention, for a special purpose. When you get married, that is what you have done. You have taken her out of the world and set her apart because you want to devote special attention to her. What is the goal of this special attention? Christ’s second goal is to present her in glory having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing. Christ’s third goal is that she should be holy and blameless. Christ loves the church and is committed to removing all the blemishes so He can present her in all her glory and beauty to Himself. This is the purpose of love. To bring about the perfection of the beloved. This is not a new idea. You might recall Ephesians 1:4 which says, “He chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him.” This illustrates how God’s love is directed towards our improvement and making us beautiful.
I quoted C. S. Lewis as saying that love is not wanting someone else to be happy. He says later on in the same book when commenting on this same verse: “Love demands the perfecting of the beloved; that the mere ‘kindness’ which tolerates anything except suffering in its object is, in that respect, at the opposite pole from Love.” (Larry Crabb, Bold Love, page 184-85.) So the goal of love is not just kindness motivated by a desire to make your wife happy. The goal is to build her up to bring about God’s purpose in her. How do we know what God’s purpose for her is? 1 Peter 3:7 says “Live with your wives according to knowledge…” In other words know her. Know what she needs. Know what she is good at and what she is not so good at. Know her talents and help her develop them. How do we get to know our wife? By involvement. Do things together, talk about significant things, etc. If our goal is the perfecting of our wife, there are going to be times when we need to confront them and deal with a problem. There’s the rub. So, we now know the goal—to build up your wife and help her mature. So what is the problem?
Fear of confrontation.
True love involves confrontation. The purpose of speaking the truth in love in Eph 4:15 is maturity in the one spoken to. It often involves confrontation and correction, but that can only be done properly in love. Confrontation has always been hard for me. I am not very quick on my feet in a debate or argument so I always feel like I lose. Over the years I have developed the attitude that I must have all the right answers before I dive into the fray. Whenever there is a disagreement with anyone, I usually back down. I also feel like I have no place confronting someone else when I don’t have my act together and might be guilty of selfishness or something. But that can also become an excuse for never moving forward into someone else’s life. If we wait till we are perfect, we will never move forward. Those verses about judge not lest you be judged and take the log out of your own eye before you try to take the speck out of your brother’s eye need to be followed, but not used as excused to never do anything.
I think the biggest reason we don’t confront is self-protection. If I don’t have all the answers and I am not sinless, then my wife may become defensive and begin to lash out at me. It will hurt when she does that, and so we protect ourselves from that by retreating and never dealing with problems. That is where the sacrifice comes in. Sacrifice is risking life and limb to move into your wife’s life even though it means you are going to get hurt in the process.
Sacrifice means I’m prepared to do those acts of kindness like watch the kids, clean the house on Tuesday and Thursday. That may free her to pursue things outside of our relationship like having her own business. That will help her grow in ways I couldn’t. She will encounter new challenges and encounter blind spots in her life that I don’t even see. She will have confrontation among her peers that will be different than what we experience within the marriage. Sacrifice means I’m prepared to risk my feelings and the pain of rejection. Sometimes it may mean vulnerably sharing your deepest concerns and feelings. When problems come up I need to face them head on and not wait until I have all the answers or am blameless. Can we put all of this together in a scenario?
Example: The other morning, I woke up late, went in and had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and when I was finished I rinsed it and put it in the dishwasher. I noticed the kitchen was medium messy and thought I didn’t make the mess, so I headed back to the back of the house. Lori called out from the laundry room and said, “Where are you going?” I said, “To get ready for work.” She said, something like, “Aren’t you going to clean up the kitchen,” or “Why don’t you clean up the kitchen.” I don’t remember the exact words. They weren’t particularly nasty, but they were said with a demanding spirit. She was under a lot of stress to get some things done before some lady came over to the house. So what did I do? I went and cleaned up the kitchen.
Why did I do that? She shouldn’t have spoken with those words or that tone of voice. Why didn’t I confront her? I could have said something like, “It sure makes me feel like a little boy when you talk to me that way.” Why didn’t I do that?
1. Because the natural response from the person you confront is defensiveness and return accusations.
2. Because as I told you before I’m not quick on my feet. It took me two days to come up with that response.
3. Because I was wondering if perhaps I should have jumped right in there and cleaned the kitchen when I noticed the mess. I was not blameless in the situation, so I knew that any return accusation that she made would have some basis of truth. I knew I was going to get hurt if I entered into the fray. That scared me and so I didn’t venture forward.
When I finished the kitchen I went and got dressed and went to work. I never said anything about it to her until the next day when all of what I’m telling you today in this lesson came together in my mind. But there was no fellowship between us in the meantime. And she had noticed that I was out of sorts.
I share this example because it shows what happens when we retreat and don’t communicate with each other. Lori does not want to treat me disrespectfully. She didn’t recognize the way she said what she said. And even if she was defensive at first, she would want to know. When we discussed this situation later, she said “The truth is hard to take, but I’m glad you told me.” It is better to make a 1000 little mistakes moving toward your wife than one big one retreating. I’ve been retreating for eight years. I made the comment earlier that Lori didn’t respond to me the way I wanted. The reason was there was nothing to respond to. I’m always retreating. I don’t take the lead and initiate the relationship like I should. I finally recognized it. It’s scary but I know what I’ve got to do.
The example of love is Christ’s sacrificial love for the church. We saw that sacrifice doesn’t mean just acts of kindness that end in self-centered martyrdom. It involves giving up your patterns of self-protection. The expectation of love is the perfecting of the beloved. We want to be God’s instrument for building up our wives. The only way we will be able to do that is if we sacrifice ourselves and are willing to be hurt in loving involvement in our wife’s life. Wives can apply much of what I’ve said today because we husbands are not perfect and there are hurtful things that we do that need to be brought into the open and dealt with, but …
My dad once said to me that 85% of the time problems in marriage can be traced to the husband’s fault. I’m sure that was not a scientific measurement, but it made me realize that in the vast majority of cases that’s the truth. As we have gone through this passage, I have discovered that he is probably right. There is a great deal of responsibility placed on the husband for the maturity of the woman God has brought into our lives. So love your wife sacrificially so that she blooms as God planned.”
I Am A Spirit by Julie Daniel
I am a spirit, I am a spirit
Made in the image of my father God.
I have his nature, made in his likeness
Now I'm filled with his wonderful love.
I have died and my life is now hid
Hidden with Christ in God
I've been quickened, made alive
Raised and seated by his side
Now I rule and I reign with him
I am a spirit, I am a spirit
Created in the image of my father God.
I have his nature, made in his likeness
now I'm filled with his wonderful love.
I've been crucified with Christ
Dead and buried with Him
I've been quickened, made alive
Raised and seated by his side
Now I rule and I reign with him
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