Catching Your White Rabbit in Life...Hogtie Your Man

There are some people that are like a greyhound dog at a race track where they are never going to get the rabbit they are chasing after in life.  In meeting the right mate in our life is a syndrome I would call “Chasing the White Rabbit.”   It’s chasing the illusion of a person that is never going to be out there, because we are not looking at people and see who they are at face value (their true value) now.  It’s that philosophy of “the grass is greener on the other side.”  Have you ever met someone and you believe that you are not good enough for them, or maybe you think you are too good for them?  You can either be chasing the white rabbit in that you don’t see they have what you want, or you think there is something still better to find.

Understanding in finding the right job and finding the right person is being the right person ourselves.  I went through one year of quitting various jobs I did not like, and had that luxury to fall back on the income of my spouse.  My husband was my pin cushion at the time.  I did not have a clear vision of what type of job I wanted.  When they downsized at Methodist Hospital where I worked 7 l/2 years, I decided to leave, and not stay and be reassigned when my job was cut, because there were not many positions left during downsizing that looked appealing.  

I remember interviewing with this one manager who was sick with a cold, and he was a bear or mean during my interview.  If he could not put his best foot forward in interviewing me, can you imagine what type of manager he would have been working for full time?  I look at single groups the same way.  I’ll meet a number of single women or men that wear their feelings on their shoulders, act like they have an axe to grind, and I think if they are acting like a bear in public and not putting their best foot forward, can you imagine what that person is like living with them full time?

I took a few positions on the outside that I did not spend enough time interviewing to really find out what I was getting in to.  I did not take the time to research the positions I accepted.  I ended up with one position using DOS based programs when I had been using windows software for six months.  I felt like I was going back to the dinosaur days.

Dating is a job interview.  You have to research the person to see if they have the qualities you want to live with full time.  Most people I know that break up in a relationship they jumped into the physical too soon and they did not research the person as far as getting to know them.  One clue in dating and getting to know a person is the relationship should get better over time.  I would compare it to a triangle pointing up to God.  My relationship with my husband is more like an Isosceles triangle in that he beat me to God, but a relationship is a steady climb as a couple grows closer to their maker/creator.   The relationship “should” get better and better as we are honoring and serving God.  For others, becoming one is being a better soul mate.

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Eccl. 4:12

Many times in dating or single socials a person is not settled with peace inside to make a commitment on what they want.  They don’t have their compass in tune with God to guide their ship.  I did not have my compass in tune for God providing me a job. If a person is not at peace within themselves than they are not going to be the right person for anyone.  As soon as you start dating you will experience a lack of peace in the relationship with that person.   If a person is at peace with whom they are and know what they want than you will have peace in the relationship.  As Christians, I believe it is knowing who you are in God.  David knew who he was in God and knew what he could do through God.  Psalm 18:29 For by thee I have run through a troop; and by my God have I leaped over a wall.

Some Christians have a legalistic view of God that God is down on them and they serve Him out of duty rather than joy.   They have left their first love for Jesus.  Revelations 2:4

For men, if they are happy with their job or ministry (if they are a preacher), they seem to be able to focus on a relationship.   It’s seems that men’s psychies is tied in with being happy on their job.  For wives it’s usually tied in to being happy in a relationship with their husband or as a single mother, her children.   When I met my husband he was very happy with his job and knew he could balance a new wife in his life.  If a man can’t figure out how to fit you into his life than there is just no extra room.  It’s sort of like having a house too full of people.  He just has too much going on in his life to fit you in.  My husband was ready and willing to fit me in.  I can think about the last two years of my life with my husband before he passed away, our relationship suffered since he worried about losing his job due to the failing housing market, and the lack of work (construction bids) when he was a senior estimator for a land development firm.

In my first marriage, my ex-husband said I “tricked him into marrying.”  Can you believe that?  We waited to sleep together until the honeymoon, and I don’t remember tieing him up with rope or anything and carrying him down the aisle and making him marry me.  He was the one that chased me down, and asked me to marry him when I was dating other Christian men.  I know he was referring to that I prayed about getting married, which I did.   Wow if I hogtied him into marrying me since I prayed about it can you imagine if I slept with him before marriage?  

I had a Christian guy email me that a Christian woman was a seductress temptress.  Did you leave your robe like Joseph did when you were tempted?  We live in America and as far as I checked recently this is a free country where no one is forced to marry or sleep with anyone.   Back in the Bible days women were more like cattle, but not now. It takes “two to tango.”   Being an adult, and not a child, is to own up to our own actions.  

Part of my ex-husband’s problem was his job/ministry was not successful as a musician/evangelist so it was my fault.  There were several churches he could have been successful at and he interviewed for positions that he could have taken, but he never was satisfied to take any of the pastor or musician positions he was offered.   We traveled to several cities and he would not take those job offers.  Next, I became the scapegoat of why he was not happy with his life.

I don’t necessary see that I’ve landed the right job now and I’ve been on this job for ten years.  I believe I’m the right person for this job and I believe I can be the right person for any job I take.  I also had a boss that no one wanted to work with so having a difficult boss has nothing to do with being in the right job.  What does happen is God opens up opportunities or doors that no one else can and he will bring people across our paths and give us favor. I had tremendous favor with my husband when I met him.

There is a place in walking in God’s will for our lives he is going to open up doors.  At other times it will seem that the windows of heaven are barred!  Remember in the Bible it talked about women’s wombs were closed who wanted to have children!  But realize when we have favor it does not mean that we won’t go through any persecution for being a Christian.  He said that if they don’t accept the message of God they won’t accept us. 1 Samuel 8:7 The LORD said to Samuel, "Listen to the voice of the people in regard to all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected Me from being king over them.

It also does not mean when we are with the right person there are not difficulties that we have to work through.  The Bible talks about having trouble in the flesh.  If you are in the flesh in the relationship, you will have trouble.   When these doors open and I have relationship opportunities which they have already presented themselves in my life what do I look for?  I'm looking for the perfect will of God.  There is the good and acceptable and the perfect will of God.  Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. 

Give me teaching so that I may do your pleasure; for you are my God: let your good Spirit be my guide into the land of righteousness. Psalm 143:10

I’ve found in life I’m becoming an overcomer.  I’m overcoming my circumstances.  I heard something recently I liked at the Christian Alive 2011 music festival.  I can’t change my circumstances, but I can change myself.  I can’t bring my loved one back to life, but I can move forward with the attitude that God has for me.  Realizing that no one person is ever going to heal my heart or be the perfect companion in life.  My husband failed my expectations many times, but he was not one big huge disappointment in my life.  Just like I fail and disappoint God, but I’m not one huge disappointment to God.  In fact, I agree with Beth Moore that God is creating the desire in me to please Him.  He creates the desire and the hunger to seek His face.  One of my favorite scriptures in the Bible is Psalm 23:1.  God’s word promises that when we seek Him we will not be in want.

A psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. Psalm 23:1
The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. Psalm 34:10

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Matthew 5:6
for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. Psalm 107:9
Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Luke 12:32

Beth Moore said that instead of saying, “I love you Jesus” to say “I love you too!”  Sort of like the movie Ghost when Sam says to Molly, “Ditto” instead of “I love you.”  God is creating that longing in our soul for His love…it’s ditto God.  I love God because he first loved me.

We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philip 1:6

He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Cor. 1:8

I spent the early part of my Christian life in ministry, and I plan to spend the later of my Christian life in ministry. In between my life, I worked very hard to support my five children and to see that all of them have the opportunity to attend higher education.   That was the same dream that my dad instilled in me was to go to college.  I’ve worked very hard to get a college degree.   Sometimes staying up two nights in a row to work on 2D and 3D animations or programming code in both Computer Graphic Technology and Computer Information Systems.  My father worked very hard to support his family. 

It is like the TV game show, Let's Make a Deal.

Door #1 is a new car, Door #2 is bedroom furniture and Door #3 is the dream vacation. 

Door #3 is the dream vacation with this great romantic view of the person in your mind but you have not taken the time to really get to know that person (that job) by interviewing that person on several different occasions so you are only in love with the illusion of the person.  In the same way we need to take the time to really get to know God and his will for our lives.  "And this is eternal life, that they may know Thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom Thou hast sent," John 17:3 

I believe we do not want a mediocre relationship.  In the same way, we are not to be lukewarm Christians and are to seek God with our whole heart is the type of relationship and commitment it takes to have a strong marriage.  How do we have  clear vision of who is going to work out for us in life if we don’t know what we want, what God’s perfect will and calling is on our life and have our compass set with him to be in tune with his voice and his leading for the right opportunities/door?

Jeremiah 29:13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

My flesh wants Door #2 with the bedroom furniture is that great physical chemistry which to me can be deceiving since Satan is the god of senses/feelings and he can work on our senses and I’ve found that many times a person I had great chemistry is all wrong for me.  There is a difference between physical attraction most of us have to have a physical attraction so I’m not saying you should not be physically attracted to the opposite sex.  Chemistry can be built over a period of time.  Most women usually like a good personality – fun loving, easy going, flexible and energetic type person.  

When I tell people I had a great physical/sexual marriage with my second husband, but we fought from sun up to sun down that baffles many people.  I jumped too soon into a second marriage after being rejected by my first husband, and it was mostly due to chemistry.  My ex-husband bought a new truck right before we divorced.   The day he bought the new truck, he picked apart all the flaws of the truck.  I could not figure out why he would buy the truck in the first place.  I knew my marriage to him was the same way, he picked me apart continually.  He was a continual dripping like a water facet. 

A quarrelsome wife (or husband) is like a constant dripping on a rainy day. Proverbs 27:15

It’s because he was inflexible and unreasonable.  Flexibility is tops in my book because in being a woman I change my mind sometimes!  If I can’t reason with a person and it’s “his way or the highway” than when those changes or bumps on the road come along to change a plan in life, we will be incompatibile.  I find that God is flexible.  Hezekiah was told he was going to die,  but he cried out to God and got 15 more years of life.  David fasted and prayed for Bathsheba and his baby hoping that God would change his mind about the baby dying.  David knew that we can change our circumstances in life through repentance and God is a meriful God.

Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. Isaiah 1:18

Present your case," says the LORD. "Set forth your arguments," says Jacob's King. Isaiah 41:21

Review the past for me, let us argue the matter together; state the case for your innocence. Isaiah 43:26

I want Door #1 the car.  The car is practical.  I determined what I like in my car and I hope I can drive it for many years.  Some people restore and rebuild the engines of their car and they can drive it longer.  When I married my last car I already knew in my spirit I was taking a risk with that car and it could have an engine failure due to the harsh chemicals the car used in its engine (asthma medication) and also clogging the filter with eating junk food, but the car was worth the drive for 15 years.   So whenever you find the car you want you have to consider if it’s worth taking those risks.  What you have to determine in getting that car is like getting a job.  My job does not pay that high in salary and raises, but it has good insurance and college tuition benefits and I enjoy working on my job.  I want to enjoy driving my car.  As long as I enjoy driving my car and being in it. 

Maybe your dating experiences are like the former TV show, Treasure Hunt....If you are one of the three lucky females with a number in the gift box, then you have a chance to pick one of three surprise boxes. One of the boxes contains a pop up surprise. The player with the surprise got to go on the Treasure Hunt.  You get those pop up surprises?   The more you date, the more negative surprises!   I’ve had that happen.  I’m looking for constructive/positive things when I meet a new guy.  More debits than credits.  Hoping the more you get to know him the better it gets with good surprises rather than more credits!

It only took me 1-l/2 years to meet my spouse after a divorce.  Promotion comes from the Lord.  The Lord caused my husband to buy the single’s magazine and write a letter, and I overcame my fear in putting an ad in that caused me to meet him.  God opens doors that no man can shut.  God knew my four little children and my husband’s two children needed a Christian father and mother figure in their life. God looks over the widow (similar to being divorced) and the fatherless (similar to not having the emotional or child support from their dad) that my children needed.

For promotion comes neither from the east, nor from the west, nor from the south. But God is the judge, putting down one, and lifting up another. Psalm 75:6-7

For widows who have been in a happy marriage the most common temptation is comparison.  It’s called the “halo effect.”  I talked to a widow recently who lost her husband ten years ago and was married for fifty years.  She made the decision like Naomi in the Bible that she did not want to move on because she did not believe it was fair to a new person that they would never measure up.  She said she has had two opportunities to move on.  I’ve had several too, but not found a person that has the same passions in life.   For younger widows like Ruth in the Bible, they usually want to be remarried.   Especially for those of us who have been married since high school or very young.  I was married as young as 21 years old and for us who like companionship. 

I meet many singles that are perfectly happy with being single and they don’t desire to be married.  If you are content to be single, most likely you will remain single if that is your gift.  When there is no desire or need to move on in a person’s life, they don’t have that drive to meet someone.   My husband was very motivated to date me and pursue me, because he did not want or desire to be single after his divorce.  He gave himself one year to wait to date after his divorce he attended a divorce recovery group at his church.   When you have a person who is in “hot pursuit” or is determined that they want to move on, than you don’t go through that wishy-washy attitude of they don’t know what they want.  They have that bull dog determination to get what they want.  Their time clock has gone off.

A double minded man [is] unstable in all his ways. James 1:8