I thought dating being widowed was going to be a piece of cake. I thought since I overcame my fear in meeting my husband through a single’s ad (number 26 I screened and met), I would waltz out, put my profile up on a single’s dating site and meet someone. Then after sitting down with over 19 guys and several others I have dated through single groups, and them trying to talk me into serious dating them, there is just no “X” factor there. Next, I thought maybe if I just meet a guy who lost his wife. That is my problem. I need to fill a round hole in my heart with a peg from someone else who has a round hole in his heart and that will make the difference, but then it’s hard to find an “active” guy in my age bracket. Next, I found someone recently active and everything sounds very good on the outside, but there is something “missing” on the inside, even in a Christian man.
There is something special about Jesus name and there is something special when God brings a person in your life …a sweet soul to you and I will call it the “X” factor. Austin Powers made jokes about losing his “mojo.” James Taylor said “How sweet it is to be loved by you.” I cannot muster up the X-factor with a person if I try. I have found a few men, I have a semi-soul connection with in the last four years, but nothing I would term as that dramatic connection I had with my husband. There was one man I was infatuated with about two years after I lost my husband, but there was some “serious” legal troubles he had.
Take a breath, relax and go out and date and meet guys and enjoy those free dinners/movies. I told my husband when I met him, I’m keeping my options open and I’m dating around. That seems to really work well, no strings attached until you meet the right guy, who will treat you like a queen. Out of 26 guys I met through a single’s ad, I actually met some nice guys, he just happened to have more of the X-factor. The "X Factor" of the title refers to the undefinable "something" that makes for star quality.
If I’m meeting someone to date sometimes God may want me to remain as friends. Maybe it’s not to be in a relationship, but encourage them in the faith. I know those 25 people I screened previously in meeting my husband, many thought that being a Christian was being a CME Christian, which is church on Christmas, Mother’s Day and Easter. One problem is there usually is a counterfeit at times where you think you have the real thing and it’s not the Real McCoy. Reminds me of that commercial, “Coke is the real thing.” I personally always like Vanilla and Cherry Coke and nothing else substituted. So many times before God blesses you with the Real McCoy a counterfeit comes along and we think we have the real deal and we do not. Then we end up in a too deep/too soon relationship.
I could not “figure out” the whole garbage dumping thing like when I would meet some guy I was attracted to and was dancing with him and within the space of ten minutes he told me that he drinks a lot of beer, cusses and had anger problems with his ex-girlfriend. But this is really typical of some of the guys I’ve met. Bachelor #2, pornography, lost his job and talked about his ex-wife. I used to watch the dating game growing up, and I just don’t remember this type of thing being on the dating game. I thought that a bachelor is supposed to put his best foot forward like that television show? I guess I need to revise the dating game to Mary’s 50th Anniversary Edition and what it’s “really” like dating.
So what I did was start reading men’s columns. Men’s columns are so much better than women’s columns and honestly folks I think more like a man and always have. In the men’s column they say that if a guy dumps on a woman that he really is looking for a mommy, not a wife. That does make a lot of sense to me. They also say #1 on a man’s list is a woman likes a good sense of humor. That works for me if the guy can pull it off (be funny at the right times, but be serious at the right times) and it’s not bitter sarcasm. I’ve always enjoyed the computer programming professors in college that had a good sense of humor. I had this one Cobol professor that said, “The computer program did not know what to do, sort of like a date with a girl I had.”
I read that book, “What Men Do Not Want Women to Know” by Smith/Doe, only that is me. Since I’ve been single, I’ve had to control my thought life especially my fantasies and if I could just hang out with women all the time and had no physical drives that would just suit me fine. I asked one of my guy friends why he does not hang out more with other guys and he said he would rather spend money on his kids or a date with a woman than hang out with men, because many times being out with men leans towards picking up women, and he really does not need other men to do that. I thought that was interesting because my husband liked hanging out with his guy friends in skiing, snowmobiling and white water rafting and his dad is the same way as far as golfing and playing tennis so I’m just not sure about that guys need men friends. Although, I do think it is a good idea to have friends of the same sex, because if you end up like me with early spousal loss, at least you have some good friends to fall back on and I had children so it does help buffer the loss in your life.
I know what I am looking for it’s like the “Price is Right.” Behind Door #1 is the Car, the car is practical and it drives nice. Door #2 is the equipped kitchen and cleaning supplies—that is fine if you are going to be his cook/maid then Door #3 is the bedroom furniture. Of course Mary wants the bedroom furniture (the good chemistry), but the car that drives nice and is comfortable to ride is the better pick. By the “X” factor I’m not talking about chemistry, but it’s this sweet spirit or “connection” I’ve made with a man’s soul. In secular dating advice they talk that you have to connect with a man emotionally to make a connection. I know too many times I’ve connected with a man physically or sexually as far as a strong physical attraction. That is why my husband was my soul mate. He was not great at his communication skills, it was a connection of our souls when we met. Many relationships remind me of a miscarriage as far as the baby fails to connect in the uterus.
There are a lot of jerks out there and sometimes my husband could be a jerk. I flat out told him, “You are a jerk.” He had this little grin and smiled at me when he was a jerk. I never remember once in the 15 years I knew my husband, he ever apologized to me---never! But one thing he did do was change. I personally much would rather have a person change their ways than “I am sorry.” I was impressed when my family practice doctor admitted he missed it in not detecting my husband’s impending heart attack. I’ve worked for lawyers, physicians and professors and if I ever got anyone to admit they had any flaws it was amazing, because I seemed to be the scapegoat of people’s problems at work as far as not having something on their calendar or they did not get my email. Fortunately, I have the copy of the email to show I did send it.
I find that many men’s behavior is like that so if you find a guy who will admit he made a marriage mistake if he is divorced, you have met yourself a jewel. That is what impressed me about my husband that he admitted he was in the wrong in his marriage, and it also impressed me that he paid $10K for marriage counseling. I found that having children in a relationship actually made the relationship worse because either two people chip in and step up to the plate to help with the children, or one person becomes selfish and then you are waiting on a man (child) and the kids. Many men can have the “Peter Pan” syndrome where they want to stay a boy and not grow up and become a man and take responsibility for their actions. My spouse did everything in his power to try to reconcile with his ex-wife, although he was unsuccessful after they lost their baby to SIDS. He made a lot of mistakes in his marriage after they lost his child, and there was just nothing he could do in his ex-wife’s mind to fix those mistakes (reconcile the relationship).
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18
Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Romans 14:19
There are many “ways” a person can depart from a relationship. It can be physical as far as helping around the house, sexual, emotional and a financial departure as far as being left with no financial support. Where a spouse refused to work or support the household financially.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 1 Cor. 7:15
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. 1 Timothy 5:8
I was very impressed with my husband’s perseverance in marriage to go for that much marriage counseling and his teachableness to change. I sort of look at it like I was Indiana Jones in this plane and I woke up and the pilots bailed out of the plane, and then I had to jump in some life preserving raft and dive out of the plane before it went down on some mountain and hope for the best. So one of the qualities I was looking for in my husband (at the top of my list) was a man who did not do the departing from his ex-wife and children. I wanted someone who had the opposite happen to him where that person departed from him.
I guess my husband determined I had his X-factor, which for him was not having some of the weaknesses/faults of his ex. I was poking around after he passed away and reading some of his letters he wrote and all the cards he saved from special occasions that I gave him over 15 years, and one letter was to his ex-wife (the mother of his children) about the qualities he was looking for in a woman. It was this good bye letter before their divorce, and he had these two things on his list and I definitely met the short-list! I like the short-list it’s a whole lot easier to meet a man with a short list than some with some big long list!
To make a wise marriage decision you don’t want to jump too fast into a serious relationship before you have given that relationship a chance to blossom. I will never tell someone “I told you so,” but I will definitely tell someone, “I warned you about a person.” Too deep/too soon relationships can become a love/hate relationship. There are different stages of a relationship, the 3-month stage, the 6-month, 1 year, most marriage advise believes you should not go past two-years in dating unless you are going to college and working on a degree, because the relationship cannot usually go any farther in dating. Then after marriage, there is the 2-year honeymoon, 5-year, 10-year, and my husband and I were ready to hit the 15-year marriage mark when he passed away. I would consider I knew my husband pretty well. I knew his hot buttons (what not to push) and what made him happy. Both of our parents went over 50 years in marriage.
I am not a candidate of having any adult children in the house when you are married. It creates conflicts, and I believe there is no house large enough for two heads of the household. If you have an adult son move in then he will try to take over leadership of the house which is what my step son tried to do and if you have adult daughters, then they will try to take over leadership of the house too. I went through struggles continually with teenagers trying to run the roost in our home.
I made this huge relationship blunder in dating before I met my husband. I was dating this guy and 3-4 months in the relationship, I started pushing for marriage when he was not ready. The too deep too soon relationship is where there is so much chemistry your head is spinning out of control. Next, someone in the relationship starts putting the squeeze on for a commitment before the other person is ready. The man says he wants to move in within three months. The one thing I’m aware of in a relationship is those piano pieces that start out slow and then have a crescendo in the middle work out so much better than the fast piano pieces. I call them the slow crock pot relationships last better over time, but I can’t seem to convince men or women that this is true. I did not give my husband the “serious talk.” When he told me his ex-wife pursued him and asked him to marry him, I told him that “You will pursue me, you will telephone me and you will ask me to marry you.” He was a shy guy and I was the only woman he seriously dated after his divorce in one year. If you let a guy take the lead (take the reins) he will take them. Even a geeky guy like my husband will take the lead and he liked taking the lead.
This is different than a man who forces the reins from you. Changing yourself to please a guy won’t work. A relationship is a series of compromises, but I’m not compromising my walk with God and the ministry he has given me for a man. My husband never dominated what I did for Christ. He let me serve the Lord the way God called me to serve him whether it was with the children at church, leading worship for a woman’s Bible study at our church, or going into the prison’s ministry. We enjoyed doing things apart and we enjoyed doing ministry together.
What happens to many couples is the chemistry is so good they want to jump in the physical or if the conversation is good for women they tend to want to get physical with a guy. I had this one guy that we talked around three hours on the phone every night for a week. By the time I met him I was head over heels for him, but I really did not know him, I had built up this fantasy in my mind about him through conversation. Most women can jump in a bed with a complete stranger, because they have put this fantasy image in their mind about that man. It’s not the real person. It could be some fairy tale from their childhood. What is even worse for me is I just put my husband’s image in my mind on that man. Then when the man does not measure up to the image of my husband (his value system is severely flawed), I have this huge disappointment. It’s because you really don’t know that person (flaws and all).
Most widows I talk to get anxiety attacks after being married for 10-30 years to one man, and I get them all the time whenever I go out on a date with a person too. I know that some think they are there because they are not ready to meet a person, but I know how this works, it’s called, “I’ve got to start this relationship out slow.” I had the same anxiety attacks when I was divorced. It’s starting to feel pressure or being too controlled by someone. So what usually works well is to start out slow in seeing a guy on a weekend. If the relationship is going well talking to him once during the week and then a Saturday night. Next, it’s seeing him during the week. Most people when they are ready to get married they are excited about the person moving in and Christian couples have told me that the relationship has moved to seeing each other almost every night. You are never going to really know someone until you live together, but it’s a gradual process of “cleaving.” You either see or you build up to talking to a person on the phone every single night.
I look at a relationship like taking small doses at a time. Like taking medicine in small doses. Realize that all men are selfish. I’ve not met an unselfish man on the planet yet. Some are just more selfish than others so I try to find the least selfish ones. I’m selfish too.
I like a person who compliments a ministry with God and makes it even better. When God said he would make a helpmate- he was talking about a person that compliments another --- We are “complete” in Jesus Christ, but there is a fuller potential that we will fulfill in our life with another person. This is every facet of our life spirit, soul and body with our mate. The Bible warns that unless God builds your house, you labor in vain who build it. (Psalm 127:1)
It Aint Me Babe:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkPrKi2jyPg&feature=related
There is something special about Jesus name and there is something special when God brings a person in your life …a sweet soul to you and I will call it the “X” factor. Austin Powers made jokes about losing his “mojo.” James Taylor said “How sweet it is to be loved by you.” I cannot muster up the X-factor with a person if I try. I have found a few men, I have a semi-soul connection with in the last four years, but nothing I would term as that dramatic connection I had with my husband. There was one man I was infatuated with about two years after I lost my husband, but there was some “serious” legal troubles he had.
Take a breath, relax and go out and date and meet guys and enjoy those free dinners/movies. I told my husband when I met him, I’m keeping my options open and I’m dating around. That seems to really work well, no strings attached until you meet the right guy, who will treat you like a queen. Out of 26 guys I met through a single’s ad, I actually met some nice guys, he just happened to have more of the X-factor. The "X Factor" of the title refers to the undefinable "something" that makes for star quality.
If I’m meeting someone to date sometimes God may want me to remain as friends. Maybe it’s not to be in a relationship, but encourage them in the faith. I know those 25 people I screened previously in meeting my husband, many thought that being a Christian was being a CME Christian, which is church on Christmas, Mother’s Day and Easter. One problem is there usually is a counterfeit at times where you think you have the real thing and it’s not the Real McCoy. Reminds me of that commercial, “Coke is the real thing.” I personally always like Vanilla and Cherry Coke and nothing else substituted. So many times before God blesses you with the Real McCoy a counterfeit comes along and we think we have the real deal and we do not. Then we end up in a too deep/too soon relationship.
I could not “figure out” the whole garbage dumping thing like when I would meet some guy I was attracted to and was dancing with him and within the space of ten minutes he told me that he drinks a lot of beer, cusses and had anger problems with his ex-girlfriend. But this is really typical of some of the guys I’ve met. Bachelor #2, pornography, lost his job and talked about his ex-wife. I used to watch the dating game growing up, and I just don’t remember this type of thing being on the dating game. I thought that a bachelor is supposed to put his best foot forward like that television show? I guess I need to revise the dating game to Mary’s 50th Anniversary Edition and what it’s “really” like dating.
So what I did was start reading men’s columns. Men’s columns are so much better than women’s columns and honestly folks I think more like a man and always have. In the men’s column they say that if a guy dumps on a woman that he really is looking for a mommy, not a wife. That does make a lot of sense to me. They also say #1 on a man’s list is a woman likes a good sense of humor. That works for me if the guy can pull it off (be funny at the right times, but be serious at the right times) and it’s not bitter sarcasm. I’ve always enjoyed the computer programming professors in college that had a good sense of humor. I had this one Cobol professor that said, “The computer program did not know what to do, sort of like a date with a girl I had.”
I read that book, “What Men Do Not Want Women to Know” by Smith/Doe, only that is me. Since I’ve been single, I’ve had to control my thought life especially my fantasies and if I could just hang out with women all the time and had no physical drives that would just suit me fine. I asked one of my guy friends why he does not hang out more with other guys and he said he would rather spend money on his kids or a date with a woman than hang out with men, because many times being out with men leans towards picking up women, and he really does not need other men to do that. I thought that was interesting because my husband liked hanging out with his guy friends in skiing, snowmobiling and white water rafting and his dad is the same way as far as golfing and playing tennis so I’m just not sure about that guys need men friends. Although, I do think it is a good idea to have friends of the same sex, because if you end up like me with early spousal loss, at least you have some good friends to fall back on and I had children so it does help buffer the loss in your life.
I know what I am looking for it’s like the “Price is Right.” Behind Door #1 is the Car, the car is practical and it drives nice. Door #2 is the equipped kitchen and cleaning supplies—that is fine if you are going to be his cook/maid then Door #3 is the bedroom furniture. Of course Mary wants the bedroom furniture (the good chemistry), but the car that drives nice and is comfortable to ride is the better pick. By the “X” factor I’m not talking about chemistry, but it’s this sweet spirit or “connection” I’ve made with a man’s soul. In secular dating advice they talk that you have to connect with a man emotionally to make a connection. I know too many times I’ve connected with a man physically or sexually as far as a strong physical attraction. That is why my husband was my soul mate. He was not great at his communication skills, it was a connection of our souls when we met. Many relationships remind me of a miscarriage as far as the baby fails to connect in the uterus.
There are a lot of jerks out there and sometimes my husband could be a jerk. I flat out told him, “You are a jerk.” He had this little grin and smiled at me when he was a jerk. I never remember once in the 15 years I knew my husband, he ever apologized to me---never! But one thing he did do was change. I personally much would rather have a person change their ways than “I am sorry.” I was impressed when my family practice doctor admitted he missed it in not detecting my husband’s impending heart attack. I’ve worked for lawyers, physicians and professors and if I ever got anyone to admit they had any flaws it was amazing, because I seemed to be the scapegoat of people’s problems at work as far as not having something on their calendar or they did not get my email. Fortunately, I have the copy of the email to show I did send it.
I find that many men’s behavior is like that so if you find a guy who will admit he made a marriage mistake if he is divorced, you have met yourself a jewel. That is what impressed me about my husband that he admitted he was in the wrong in his marriage, and it also impressed me that he paid $10K for marriage counseling. I found that having children in a relationship actually made the relationship worse because either two people chip in and step up to the plate to help with the children, or one person becomes selfish and then you are waiting on a man (child) and the kids. Many men can have the “Peter Pan” syndrome where they want to stay a boy and not grow up and become a man and take responsibility for their actions. My spouse did everything in his power to try to reconcile with his ex-wife, although he was unsuccessful after they lost their baby to SIDS. He made a lot of mistakes in his marriage after they lost his child, and there was just nothing he could do in his ex-wife’s mind to fix those mistakes (reconcile the relationship).
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18
Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Romans 14:19
There are many “ways” a person can depart from a relationship. It can be physical as far as helping around the house, sexual, emotional and a financial departure as far as being left with no financial support. Where a spouse refused to work or support the household financially.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 1 Cor. 7:15
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. 1 Timothy 5:8
I was very impressed with my husband’s perseverance in marriage to go for that much marriage counseling and his teachableness to change. I sort of look at it like I was Indiana Jones in this plane and I woke up and the pilots bailed out of the plane, and then I had to jump in some life preserving raft and dive out of the plane before it went down on some mountain and hope for the best. So one of the qualities I was looking for in my husband (at the top of my list) was a man who did not do the departing from his ex-wife and children. I wanted someone who had the opposite happen to him where that person departed from him.
I guess my husband determined I had his X-factor, which for him was not having some of the weaknesses/faults of his ex. I was poking around after he passed away and reading some of his letters he wrote and all the cards he saved from special occasions that I gave him over 15 years, and one letter was to his ex-wife (the mother of his children) about the qualities he was looking for in a woman. It was this good bye letter before their divorce, and he had these two things on his list and I definitely met the short-list! I like the short-list it’s a whole lot easier to meet a man with a short list than some with some big long list!
To make a wise marriage decision you don’t want to jump too fast into a serious relationship before you have given that relationship a chance to blossom. I will never tell someone “I told you so,” but I will definitely tell someone, “I warned you about a person.” Too deep/too soon relationships can become a love/hate relationship. There are different stages of a relationship, the 3-month stage, the 6-month, 1 year, most marriage advise believes you should not go past two-years in dating unless you are going to college and working on a degree, because the relationship cannot usually go any farther in dating. Then after marriage, there is the 2-year honeymoon, 5-year, 10-year, and my husband and I were ready to hit the 15-year marriage mark when he passed away. I would consider I knew my husband pretty well. I knew his hot buttons (what not to push) and what made him happy. Both of our parents went over 50 years in marriage.
I am not a candidate of having any adult children in the house when you are married. It creates conflicts, and I believe there is no house large enough for two heads of the household. If you have an adult son move in then he will try to take over leadership of the house which is what my step son tried to do and if you have adult daughters, then they will try to take over leadership of the house too. I went through struggles continually with teenagers trying to run the roost in our home.
I made this huge relationship blunder in dating before I met my husband. I was dating this guy and 3-4 months in the relationship, I started pushing for marriage when he was not ready. The too deep too soon relationship is where there is so much chemistry your head is spinning out of control. Next, someone in the relationship starts putting the squeeze on for a commitment before the other person is ready. The man says he wants to move in within three months. The one thing I’m aware of in a relationship is those piano pieces that start out slow and then have a crescendo in the middle work out so much better than the fast piano pieces. I call them the slow crock pot relationships last better over time, but I can’t seem to convince men or women that this is true. I did not give my husband the “serious talk.” When he told me his ex-wife pursued him and asked him to marry him, I told him that “You will pursue me, you will telephone me and you will ask me to marry you.” He was a shy guy and I was the only woman he seriously dated after his divorce in one year. If you let a guy take the lead (take the reins) he will take them. Even a geeky guy like my husband will take the lead and he liked taking the lead.
This is different than a man who forces the reins from you. Changing yourself to please a guy won’t work. A relationship is a series of compromises, but I’m not compromising my walk with God and the ministry he has given me for a man. My husband never dominated what I did for Christ. He let me serve the Lord the way God called me to serve him whether it was with the children at church, leading worship for a woman’s Bible study at our church, or going into the prison’s ministry. We enjoyed doing things apart and we enjoyed doing ministry together.
What happens to many couples is the chemistry is so good they want to jump in the physical or if the conversation is good for women they tend to want to get physical with a guy. I had this one guy that we talked around three hours on the phone every night for a week. By the time I met him I was head over heels for him, but I really did not know him, I had built up this fantasy in my mind about him through conversation. Most women can jump in a bed with a complete stranger, because they have put this fantasy image in their mind about that man. It’s not the real person. It could be some fairy tale from their childhood. What is even worse for me is I just put my husband’s image in my mind on that man. Then when the man does not measure up to the image of my husband (his value system is severely flawed), I have this huge disappointment. It’s because you really don’t know that person (flaws and all).
Most widows I talk to get anxiety attacks after being married for 10-30 years to one man, and I get them all the time whenever I go out on a date with a person too. I know that some think they are there because they are not ready to meet a person, but I know how this works, it’s called, “I’ve got to start this relationship out slow.” I had the same anxiety attacks when I was divorced. It’s starting to feel pressure or being too controlled by someone. So what usually works well is to start out slow in seeing a guy on a weekend. If the relationship is going well talking to him once during the week and then a Saturday night. Next, it’s seeing him during the week. Most people when they are ready to get married they are excited about the person moving in and Christian couples have told me that the relationship has moved to seeing each other almost every night. You are never going to really know someone until you live together, but it’s a gradual process of “cleaving.” You either see or you build up to talking to a person on the phone every single night.
I look at a relationship like taking small doses at a time. Like taking medicine in small doses. Realize that all men are selfish. I’ve not met an unselfish man on the planet yet. Some are just more selfish than others so I try to find the least selfish ones. I’m selfish too.
I like a person who compliments a ministry with God and makes it even better. When God said he would make a helpmate- he was talking about a person that compliments another --- We are “complete” in Jesus Christ, but there is a fuller potential that we will fulfill in our life with another person. This is every facet of our life spirit, soul and body with our mate. The Bible warns that unless God builds your house, you labor in vain who build it. (Psalm 127:1)
It Aint Me Babe:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkPrKi2jyPg&feature=related
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