A co-dependent family likes to shove issues under the rug and not deal
with problems. For some, it may not be admitting they are capable of
having a flaw or problem. For some, it's blaming all their problems on another person. For some reason co-dependents are usually attracted like a magnet to narcissists.
I met someone at a single social that I was attracted to. He is an
engineer, he is very active person who likes the same activities that I
do and he was active at his church in organizing socials. He asked me
to come sit next to him on a sofa at a single's group, but I had a
caution in my spirit about sitting next to him so I told him I would
stay across the room and talk to him. I've seen him several times the
last few years and I considered dating him. I knew he is divorced and
had problems with two step sons.
As I was considering dating
him, I had a dream about him. The Lord speaks to me many times in my
dreams. I dreamed that I was invited to go out to dinner by a woman
friend, but when he asked me to go out, I blew off my previous
engagement with this woman for this man. The Lord was showing me if I
date this person I will blow off my family and my friends and lose
myself in that man.
I realized after two failed marriages when
my parents told me that my sister disappeared whenever she was married
and than resurfaced into their lives when she became widowed twice that
my sister was co-dependent and that I am too.
I prayed and
asked God for a man that would not take me away from my children and my
family and when I met my husband Mike, he immediately invited my four
children over for dinner that he made. He knew that my children were
going away in the upcoming summer months to see their dad, so he wanted
to spend as much time with my family and me that he could. I never met a
man like that before. In my previous marriages, I always felt my
children were in the way and same way when I was dating a man who lost
his wife. It was like my children were baggage not blessings in life.
The same holds true now with my grandchildren.
"Codependency
is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a
person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a
pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in
broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control
of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's
own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.
Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family,
work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.
Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem,
excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered
to be natural magnets for the codependent."
I am very thankful
for the parents God gave me and I was raised with, but my one beef about
my parents it was “God bless us four and no more.” As far as they
focused all their energy and time around the family.
To me
that is like the Dead Sea in keeping an exuberant amount of resources
inside, when God talks about that we have to sow to have seed multiplied
in our life. They were faithful to tithe and attend the church they
attended all through their life, but I did not see my parents ever do
any volunteer work in the community. I am sure they helped a few
friends. The Bible talks about “reaching out our hands” to the poor.
Sometimes it’s a stretch in our lives to reach out to others.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. Proverbs 31:20
Whoever is kind to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will reward them for what they have done. Proverbs 19:17
Now he who supplies seed to the farmer and bread to eat will also
supply you with seed and multiply it and enlarge the harvest that
results from your righteousness. 2 Cor. 9:10
A narcissist
spends too much time focusing on the outside of the cup rather than the
inside of the cup. They may stand too long in front of a mirror. The
Pharisees had this problem. They were more concerned about following
hand washing rituals and what they were wearing and they became
incredible “men pleasers” rather than God pleasers in their life. I
find many people in the church that want to focus on the external when
God focused on the heart. God has me clean up my thought life first.
Next, it’s my tongue. David talked about that cleaning up his thought
life and mouth:
May these words of my mouth and this
meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my
Redeemer. Psalm 19:14
For it is from within, out of a person's
heart, that evil thoughts come--sexual immorality, theft, murder,
adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and
folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person." Mark
7:21-23
There is nothing wrong with pleasing each other
especially in marriage, because it’s pleasing each other’s flesh most of
the time, but there can be extreme cases where it’s like a person’s
life becomes the Dead Sea, sucking in nutrients and not putting anything
back out in life. It's one reason my husband and I did outside
ministries which was lead teen socials, teach Sunday school to kids,
girls' prison ministry, homeowners' board, boy scouts and activities
that were outside our family to minister to others.
I find
one of the traps of the enemy is to get me too focused on my own needs.
I have found when I put God first place in my life and his will, I am a
whole lot happier. What makes God happy makes me happy and it says
that God is working his "good pleasure in me."
For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure. Philip 2:13
Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ
to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, Ephesians 1:5
For me that is service as far as I can only focus so long and trying to
be happy by remodeling my house, watching my grandchildren and doing my
own pleasure. That works for "x" amount of time and then I'm back to
the calling of evangelism God has on my life. It's like Paul said, he
is "compelled" to preach the gospel. I recently had a dream about
sharing the gospel. When we have a call on our life, it's very difficult
to waste time. And I don't want to waste my time on a co-dependent
relationship. The love of God compels me to share.
For when I
preach the gospel, I cannot boast, since I am compelled to preach. Woe
to me if I do not preach the gospel! 1 Cor. 6:19
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