The Tears of a Clown (Fighting a Goliath called Depression)

It's a blessing making people happy --making people smile especially children. I love taking children of single parents out on my wave runners and hear them squeal like a little piggy with delight-- "Wheeeeee"

I inherited a clown suit from my mother while I was working at Methodist Hospital, and I would go on the wards and pass out candy to sick children in my clown suit. I also wore it to outreach at a church I was attending. For awhile I was thinking about doing clowning.

Everyone is different with loss and depression can be "different strokes for different folks." Robin Williams' children were grown so I'm not sure what exactly was the root or cause of his depression don't know if empty nest was a contributor.

Now, even more so with technology is a feeling of being more and more isolated. I can't even imagine adding get away from Paparazzi to have a normal life how that contributes to more isolation.

My dad had problems with depression and I know it stemmed from not getting the love he needed from his mother in feeling rejection.

When I met my spouse, he had problems with depression from losing his college sweet heart (his first marriage) and having a baby die of SIDS. One of the things my spouse told me is that I brought joy into his life.

I find it's very neat to bring joy to another person. So at the top of my list is bringing happiness or joy to other people.

The only problem is that is an external thing. If my happiness is based on bringing joy or happiness to other people and there is not a lot of activity going on then that decreases my joy. It tells us "it's more blessed to give than receive."

Recently I was going through a bout of depression for no apparent "reason" on the weekend. I had a good job interview on Friday. I have a potentially good roommate from Hong Kong I am happy about to live with me.

But it was this "rush" of thoughts and this is the way it went down. Who cares about a new job---so what? I've already had a good marriage, I've already been on Mt. Everest, I've already experienced all the joys I care to experience and there really is nothing left I want to do on this planet.

There is nothing worth living for.

So I was sitting on my deck when all this negativity came against me and I was thinking. "God what should I do?" I could go to a movie and I can escape into fantasy land and get some rush from the movie. Or I can go shopping, or there is just a lot of things I can be doing."

I started singing this song, "Send us the rain Lord, send us the rain, send us the latter rain" and it was the wave of the Holy Spirit came into my soul and it healed all those negative thoughts and they left.

I realized that many times I try to handle depression which is a spiritual battle in my life and I try to get rid of it in the flesh rather than letting the power and anointing of the Holy Spirit take care of the problem.

And it shall come to pass in that day, that his burden shall be taken away from off thy shoulder, and his yoke from off thy neck, and the yoke shall be destroyed because of the anointing. Isaiah 10:2

What I have learned is not to let my happiness be based on external stimuli as far as usually on Saturdays I would be like a zombie from the work week and it took me all Saturday morning just to snap back from the work week. My late spouse usually worked to at least noon so my being a zombie was fine, but now I don't have a person who comes home from work Saturday and is a "kick" in the seat of the pants.

I don't have anyone on earth to motivate me to do better or get up in the morning or keep me going and than I get hit at times with despair or hopelessness and In my mind it's over -- life is over.

But in God's mind and God's plan -- it's not over until He says it's over! When God says it's over then it's over. I don't need the devil telling me it's over, I don't need my circumstances telling me it's over and I don't need anyone to tell me my life is over -- hang it up -- you got nothing to live for lady!

I find that I can call on the presence of the Holy Spirit when these thoughts come in my mind that tell me that life is over. We are promised that Jesus said he would not leave us as orphans. He would send the Holy Spirit.

So I've called on the Holy Spirit because when these discouraging thoughts hit its like needles hitting my mind. I heard a minister say that since we are "seated with Christ in heavenly places" that is part of having the Holy Spirit within us to tap into the vine.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Cor. 1:3-4

I had a dream right after I lost my husband that I was choking an evil man and he was choking me back and than he was doing Chinese torture in the middle of my mind. I know the torture is those thoughts that my life is over.

In Ephesians 6 it tells us to stand on the evil day, but I find that "standing" can be a long time. I've been standing now for almost seven years, but I had a warning by God that as Egypt had seven years of famine and the seven years of famine overpowered the seven years of plenty, all memory of the good years with my husband would be overpowered by loss.

I'm depending on the Holy Spirit to see me through these times. Elijah had depression and God sent him a Raven to feed him. Ravens usually eat food not bring food. Jonah had depression and God sent him a plant to give him an analogy of Nineveh, but when David got depressed, he encouraged himself in the Lord.

As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God. Psalm 42:10-11