Marriage a Tootsie Lollipop--Operant Conditioning---Farmers With Our Words

Marriage - a Tootsie Lollipop

For those who have lost a spouse in divorce or death, we have a tendency to look at life negatively for the future.  I was talking to a married guy at church that losing my husband in a sudden death was like having a lollipop that I was sucking on jerked out of my mouth.  He said, “Yeah one of those Tootsie lollipops with the chocolate filling inside and you never got the chocolate filling because he died young and you did not grow old together.”  Exactly!   I like chocolate, purple and red flavored Tootsie lollipops.  Then I was thinking although I like different flavors that every lollipop chocolate filling inside tastes the same.  So although you have to change the flavor of lollipops in your life the chocolate filling will taste the same no matter what lollipop you suck on!

As Christians, we are promised that: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Roman 8:28

When I screen men through online dating I’ve got this list going in my mind.  It’s like accounting list where I’m looking for more positives than negatives/more debits than credits.  If they don’t like Joyce Meyer than they get ten negative marks in the left hand column.  The right hand column has to have regular church attendance if they don’t have regular church attendance than I won’t initially meet them at all.  It’s because I’m looking for a guy who is “faithful in little.”  If he is faithful in little than I know he will be ruler over much.   Part of the firstfruits of tithing is giving the firstfruits of our time to the Lord in worship, service and helping others besides money.

If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won't be honest with greater responsibilities. Luke 16:10

Recently, I had a person who did not have the correct age on his online profile.  He was ten years older than it stated.  He was not being an honest person.  What is the scripture saying above?  Dishonest in little things?  That can be a myriad of things which includes telling the movie theater or restaurant that your children are a different age than they really are.

I believe in following the “witness of my spirit.”  I can tell within a few minutes if the conversation goes flat and I have a check in my spirit there is a red flag somewhere.  If they get past the phone screening than meeting them I can tell more by their presence.  I had one guy that was a Boy Scouts Troop Leader and sounded like a conscientious father on the phone and very positive, but when I met him in person he was very negative.  My husband was the only one who passed the test of being a positive person when we sat down for lunch to want to keep taking it to the next level. The comment in the movie, You’ve Got Mail, where Kevin talks about taking it to the next level until he can’t stand the person anymore.

Kevin: “You're taking it to the next level. I always do that. I always take a relationship to the next level, and if it works okay I take it to the next level after that, until I can finally get to the level where it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.”

I’m looking for a certain amount of insanity in a man.  I did crazy things when I was a child like ride the handle bars of my bicycle and stand up on the seat, jump ramps with my skate board, climb to the tip top of trees, the basic “daredevil” (or dare angel) type things.  In the same way in my adult life, I’ve done some very wild things like sleep in a tent for almost two years in a Christian ministry, go out witnessing for Jesus in front of porno shops, walk a mile in knee-high snow to catch a bus to support my family for work and then for fun I’ve done some bazaar things in Australia and New Zealand.  Even David faked insanity one time:

Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left. I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. Psalms 34:1

Speaking from some insanity: 

A Christian single woman came up to me at church a few months ago and she was 45 years old and she said that she was concerned that she is not attracted to any men her age.  Her boyfriend then came up and gave her a hug.  He was a sweet young thing probably in his early 30’s, and I thought, wow, “Go for it girl if you can get a guy that young who is a Christian sweet heart who am I to judge you.”   Take it from my experience that women outlive men usually by ten years and I probably outlived my husband by at least 20 or more years (my grandmother was 96 years old when she passed away and my mother was 82 years old).  Who cares if you danced to the Rolling Stones "Satisfaction" and he danced to the Van Halen's "Jump"?  Who cares if Lyndon B. Johnson was president when you were growing up and Ronald Reagan was president when he was growing up?  If he loves the Lord and has pretty good brain function, I would say in matters of the heart go for it Cougars.  Besides many American men are couch potatoes when they get older which I hear it true in other countries also while women are just getting going when their kids are grown.   Just make sure you have a prenuptial agreement if needed and they don’t need a green card.  I would also pray that you are not a mom figure in his life, but if you can respect his authority than go for it!

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33

B.F. Skinner’s Theory of Operant Conditioning:

I loved dancing since I was four or five years old and listened to my sister’s 45 LP records on my portable record player with my friends on the outside porch and danced to Purple People Eater, The Twist, Pink Shoe Laces, and the Monster Mash.  My sister was 12 years older than me and she taught me how to do the bunny hop.  As a teenager, I belonged to Westlake Country Club and they had dances every weekend and I also went to Pike High School dances.  We did the Funky Chicken and several line dances.  Then there was a period of time that I did not do any dancing until I went through a divorce at 35 years old, and started going to single dances.  When I met my husband through a single’s ad we started going out fast dancing together.  After I remarried, my husband and I took dancing lessons at Arthur Murray studios and we were in a Swing and Cha-Cha-Cha competition.  For some reason he seemed to have a difficult time remembering how to lead the steps (too complicated for an Engineer…LOL) so we did not do ballroom dancing much.  My parents went out ballroom dancing every Friday night through over 50 years of marriage.

Now that I’m back on the single scene and I’m at single dances, I can’t count how many people I meet that say that they have to get a couple of beers or drinks in them before they will relax and get up to dance.  They have conditioned themselves that they need alcohol to dance.  I know people who conditioned themselves that they need drugs to enjoy life or be creative in writing or art ability.  There are a number of things that we can believe about ourselves in life or we have conditioned ourselves to think.

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 23:7

I don’t remember needing alcohol or drugs to be able to dance.  My parents never drank alcohol.  I accepted Satan’s package a period of time as a teenager that I needed to get high on drugs in order to enjoy my life.

in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes. 2 Cor. 2:11

Some people have conditioned themselves that they won’t be happy unless they get another job, a new car, a promotion on a job, a husband or wife, their kids graduate from high school or college, their kids behave well, etc.  Charles R. Swindoll said, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”  I have to be careful whenever I meet anyone like me who is used to being in a relationship for 10, 15, 20 years because that person is conditioned to expect certain things.  I have to watch teasing and course jesting because I was in that behavior with my husband for 14 years but I can’t do that now when I meet a new single man, the behavior is not appropriate for the person.  We can be selling ourselves short by what we believe about ourselves. If you just listen what comes out of a person’s mouth you will determine what they think about their lives, their future and if they have a good self image or a poor self image.

We Are Farmers With Our Words

The very first writing I wrote about one year ago was on being a farmer with our words and I’m coming back to that constantly.

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.  Luke 6:45

We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check. James 3:2

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Something happened to me last night I wanted to share in hopes to help you in your dating adventures.

I went to a singles dance and I met someone who lost his wife to cancer five years ago.  I’ve learned not to get too excited about meeting anyone new until I get to know someone very well but whenever I meet someone who has a similar life experience it is a real blessing to me.  I was enjoying talking to him.  We had this great connection and it was an interesting conversation.  He was also attractive to me. Then when we were talking about dating he made a comment about not getting past the first date since women find him boring.  Than all of sudden I felt he was extremely boring.  I mean, I thought “Wow they are right this guy is a bore.”  It was pretty much through the night I could not stand to be around him.  It took me quite a long time during the evening to even see him in a positive light again and offer him my phone number to consider spending time with him in the future.   

I was thinking about it today and God showed me that we are farmers.  We are sowing seeds in people’s minds through our words.  Proverbs 18:21 states, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit”.  Just as we sow God’s word to get people saved we are sowing words of encouragement or discouragement about our brothers and sisters but also about ourselves. 

We have to watch our words and paint a positive picture of ourselves. 

Maybe we need to work on our self image and God can help us with that.  Maybe we doubt God’s love for us (Roman 8:28-32 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? ³² He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?)  With divorce, an untimely death, or because we have remained single for so long it is possible to doubt God’s goodness and God’s love. 

When I was dating I purposely created a positive atmosphere with my future spouse.  I’m not saying in almost 15 years of marriage there were not times I would meet him from work and not be negative about the step-children or whatever, but 9 times out of 10 he was happy to come home.  He definitely was not coming home to a angry/bitter woman than a sweet loving wife. There is a scripture that says Proverbs 14:1 which says, “Every wise woman builds her house: but the foolish pluck it down with her hands.”  I believe we can substitute man in that scripture to be careful what you plant about yourself and others in people’s minds. Words tear down.

That saying as a child, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is far from the truth.

Do not say that people do not want to date you, etc.  Say positive things and see yourself the way you want to be and others to see you.  I don’t believe it is a teaching on positive confession – I believe we will reap what we sow with our words.  Believe that you are blessed of God and he is going to do great things in your life!   Believe like Joseph and Daniel in the Bible you have God’s mercy and people’s favor.

But the Lord was with Joseph, and showed him mercy, and gave him favor in the sight of the keeper of the prison. Genesis 39:21

Now God had brought Daniel into favor and tender love with the prince of the eunuchs. Daniel 1:9

Words are seeds or impressions they grow and then it’s hard to get them out of other people’s mind.