Thursday, April 7, 2011

Finding Our Soul Mate Part 1: Ten Things I Like About You

Some of you may have seen the movies, 10 Things I Hate About You or How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.  I’m shedding a different light as far we should be writing “Things I Like About You” and “How To Capture a Woman’s Heart in 10 Days.”  I’ve been making lists for my Christian guys friends on at least ten things I like about them so I thought I would share pointers on meeting a guy since that is the first step.   

After having a good marriage for almost 15 years, I’m going to discuss what I’m looking for in another “winner” or “keeper” in life.   There would be at least ten things you like about a really “great” guy.  Most importantly, if a guy is right for you, the relationship will get better and better over time.  Every time you see him, he will be better looking.  You learn to adjust to his flaws.  If the relationship is going downhill that is not a good sign.  I would compare a Christian marriage relationship to an equilateral triangle pointing up towards God...the couple being at each point at the bottom of the triangle.  The relationship progresses up towards God.  The triangle of my marriage became an acute or right triangle when my husband went into eternity first with God.  

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Eccl. 4:12
A song of ascents. Of Solomon. Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. Psalm 127:1

Eye Contact

Eye contact is the first way you pick up a guy or a woman.  Our eyes are the windows to our soul.  I danced all last Sunday night with a man and he told someone he liked me.  The whole time I danced with him, he never once made eye contact with me.  If a man can’t look me in the eyes, there is no connection.   He was a nice guy, and I believe the Lord just wanted me to invite him to a Bible study.

Eye contact is really a “pick me up" as far as getting a guy’s stare for a few seconds, and then you know there is some interest.  When you see him again, you can give him a smile, and some more staring. 

Folks, if a guy won’t take your eye contact and your smile as a sign that you are interested than maybe you need to go “club him over the head” like they did in the cavemen/cavewomen days.   I’ve seen some women come and sit on a man’s lap, and you are not going to catch me doing that.  If a guy can’t take simple clues, then he needs a club.

My heavenly Father had quite a vivid imagination in the creation of sex and look at all the strange animal mating rituals to attract a mate.  He wanted them to enjoy procreation.  I’m not sure why humans make it so hard to meet the opposite sex and play so many games?   The animal kingdom does not have this problem.

Don’t Settle as the Back-up Girl or Guy!

There are some men that will call you as the “last resort.”  It’s like all the good hotels are booked so they will call you when the hotels fill up.

If they don’t have plans or another date, then they call you.  I’ve had men that telephoned me every time they broke up with a serious girlfriend, and were back on the circuit then they were texting me again, emailing me again and eventually calling me.  I’m not interested in being second place in a man’s life.  I’m also not interested in being second place to his sporting events.  I had a guy I met on match.com who acted crazy about me when I met him at Starbucks, and then later at a dance, and he introduced me to all his friends.  When the football playoffs came around he cancelled meeting me twice.  Once he called and cancelled, and the other event he just did not show up at the dance he said he would come to.  I know in my spirit it was because of the playoffs for one date, and then he may have found another person on match.com he liked better.   I heard that if a guy gives you his Saturday (weekend) than you know it is a good sign that you have his heart.   After blowing me off, two weeks later he started sending me texts and emails.  He did not bother to telephone.  Mature men pick up the telephone to call you and invite you out or apologize.  They don’t hide behind emailing and texting.

I texted him back, “I’m pregnant and engaged.”  It was a joke, but I heard a woman who said that as a “blow off,” and I thought it was funny so it was my way of dealing with my anger about him telling me he was crazy about me and then blowing me off.   I’m talking about a Christian man who goes to a charismatic church.  If a guy blows you off when you first meet him, what do you think it will be like if you marry him?   There are many men obsessed with sports or their jobs.  It can become first place in their life over their wife.  I have a daughter who seriously dated a man who read sports stats when they went out to dinner every time.  I teased her that he would be reading the sports stats when they walked down the aisle at the wedding, and she did think it was funny.  The relationship did not last, because of his distractions.

Warning:  This is a warning like cigarette labels:  men or women who play the circuit as far as online dating if they don’t take their profile down when they are dating you, then you don’t have their full attention and they are probably double-minded and will move on to someone else in the future.  I know because I experienced it.  The Bible says a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

A person who has doubts is thinking about two different things at the same time and can't make up his mind about anything. James 1:8

If I’m seriously dating, the online profiles are taken off.

Single Socials or Meetup.com Groups

Single socials are a first step in getting to know someone better outside of online dating.  I don't always sit next to someone I like at a single's social.

I met this one guy at a single’s social, and we talked for four hours.  The first time I talked to a widower through a single's ad, we talked for three hours every night for one week before we even met.  I try to shortened conversations now to no more than one-hour and end the conversation first, but if I can talk to a guy for a long time and it seems like there is a “connection” with a good conversation, this is a positive sign.  I’m careful not to go “too deep too fast” so I like to back off.   You can always ask a man about his job.  I went to a Formula One race with my husband before we were married, and asked him about his job.  I heard everything you want to know about earth moving equipment.

I like to rotate where I sit with people around a table, but if I go to "several" socials at a restaurant, and I sit down first and a guy purposely sits at the opposite end of the table then it leads me to believe the guy does not want a conversation with me when I'm trying to get to know him.  Social encounters are rare and that is an opportunity missed.  I've had that happen to me over and over again where I liked someone at a Christian single's social group and then they would quit sitting next to me.  I assume that is the "end of that." 

Online dating is different because you meet each other for coffee or dinner so you have a one-on-one conversation.  If a person does not sit by you at a social event, than you lose the opportunity to better get to know them.  Then if they do this over and over, there is never an opportunity to really get to know them.  I also take it as a sign if I'm talking to a person and they cut me off and don't want to talk, and they go talk to another woman than they are not interested.  Same with meeting women friends, if they cut me off over and over to go talk to someone else when I’m trying to get to know them, then I won’t ever be able to consider them a real friend.   I have some groups of people, I only see a person once a month, so it's very limited contact.

When my niece first met her future husband at a single’s social I brought her to, he did a “double take.”  It’s one of those signs I’m looking for, and I remember how he looked at my niece.  That is what Adam did, Adam did a double take, it’s called the “Wow factor.”

Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.  The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:22-23

Put it this way, I “had my husband’s attention when we were dating.”  It goes back to if a guy is "really into you" like those salmon fish that jump up streams to mate with a female, then he is going to jump several streams (jump through several hoops or difficult situations) to get to know you whether it is to sit by you, call you, see you, etc. If a guy sees you as valuable and precious, he will want to spend time with you, he will make adjustments to his schedule.  I've just not met a salmon like my husband since I've been widowed, but that is okay, it does not mean that salmon do not exist.  You have to rotate fishing ponds and try new ones at times, and the Lord told me "if I don't want a bitter fish than I need to quit fishing in bitter ponds."  The more I told my husband to date around, because I was not sure he was the one for me, the more persistent he became.  I gave him “some” hope.  I did not totally shut him down, which I will give a guy hope if there is chance.  How ironic that my husband had the same fate as a salmon.

Invitations

Jesus discussed that if you invite friends over to your house for a banquet, and they don’t come, than go into the highways and bi-ways and invite strangers to come to your banquet.  He was talking about his banquet in heaven, but it applies to anyone who hosts parties.   God will not like our lame excuses when we stand before him on why we did not accept his son into our hearts.

At the time of the banquet he sent his servant to tell those who had been invited, 'Come, for everything is now ready. But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said, 'I have just bought a field, and I must go and see it. Please excuse me.' Another said, 'I have just bought five yoke of oxen, and I'm on my way to try them out. Please excuse me.' Still another said, 'I just got married, so I can't come.  The servant came back and reported this to his master. Then the owner of the house became angry and ordered his servant, 'Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame.' 'Sir,' the servant said, 'what you ordered has been done, but there is still room.'Then the master told his servant, 'Go out to the roads and country lanes and make them come in, so that my house will be full. I tell you, not one of those men who were invited will get a taste of my banquet.'" Luke 14:17-24

That has happened to me many times is that I’ve gone to single socials and invited many single women and men to my house for parties and boating, and over and over certain people never show up.  Now I go to secular socials, and invite people and the Lord has blessed me with those type of outreaches to women.   One year, I had nine single socials so if a person can't make nine of my socials, not a sign they are the person for me.

Everyone is busy, but I find if someone is interested in you, they will “make” time for you.  So you are not “important” in that person’s life.  It’s a fact.  It’s not something to condemn them about.  God will give you people that see you as important in their life.  You may need new friends if they won’t make quality time for you.  I can only be in one-sided relationships for so long and then I’ll move on to someone else or another single’s group. 

I’ve had people warn me about certain Christian people.  They have telephoned or told me, “She only calls when things are bad in her life, she has using tendencies.”  I find that some people only want you when they need someone, when the chips are down.   If things are going good, than you never hear from them.  I don’t want friends like that and I certainly don’t want a man like that.  Like in the movie, Jerry McGuire who missed his wife when he had the greatest moment in his life, I want a person to share my victories and the great adventures of life even more than my defeats.

Find a person who is interested in what you like to do.  If the person has too many dislikes for things you like, the relationship can crash and burn. I meet a lot of guys who like to go camping or hiking, but told me their ex-wife just wanted to sit at home or go shopping.  If you are an outdoor person it won’t work with a person who is strictly indoors.

If you keep inviting a person to a venue and they never take that “bait,” they are not interested.

Stay Positive

I look at Bible studies and single socials as first impressions, that means put your best foot forward like a job interview.  Would you talk about how your ex-wife hurt you at a job interview?

If a person shows up and she has had a bad day, than please don’t take it out on us!  I had a manager like that.  I was not going to let his bad day be my bad day.  If you are going to a new single’s group or social, and talking about how you are the “victim” than you may be drawing the wrong attention to yourself.  I find in grief, it’s better that I don’t go to a single’s venue.   I learned that early when people “jumped down my case” about being sad.  Only go to the groups where you will get support for what you are going through.  If you don’t have a close connection with the group as friends, most likely you will receive condemnation rather than comfort.  I find this at church too.  Only a few people, really know how to put their arms around you and say, “I understand.”  Afflicted?  Good time to stay at home from some groups and pray unless you find a group of people to pray with you and not condemn.

Are any of you suffering hardships? You should pray. Are any of you happy? You should sing praises. James 5:13

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.  Romans 12:15

As the scripture above states, I can mourn with a person who is mourning or grieving, but I don’t read where it says to be bitter with a person who is bitter.  For awhile, I laughed at single socials when a woman would talk about defacing her ex-husband’s pictures and drawing devil horns on them, but after awhile, I knew it started grieving the Holy Spirit in my life.  God is holy and there is no room for bitterness in God’s holy book.

See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.  Hebrews 12:15
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

If people show up in bitterness and negativity and I’m talking about how great God was in my previous marriage, or in my life, than usually I’m rubbing them the wrong way.  The Lord has lead me to pray for negative people and keep “blessing them.”  As Moses put his stick in water and turned the bitter waters sweet, God through his word can set people free from bitterness.  At times the Lord has lead me to correct someone who is bashing their ex-husband and ex-wife.  What amazes me is even the children of the world know if you talk ill of an ex-husband/ex-wife it lowers your value in the eyes of another person.   This experience is the same that Paul experienced in the church is what I’ve experienced.  When Paul corrected the church what did they do?  They were “puffed up” rather than mourn the sin.  It was a man sleeping with his father’s wife (his step-mother).  Paul said that even the unbelievers don’t have this type of sin.  I run into this all the time where the children of the world are wiser than the children of light.  Unbelievers know that bitterness will destroy them, and yet Christians don’t want to forgive their ex.

The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light. Luke 16:8  

Leave garbage bags at home before you come to a single’s social.  That includes don’t spill the beans about all your problems.  Secular dating advise says if you tell your girlfriend all your problems you are looking for a mother not a wife.  I laughed when I heard a married man in a movie recently tell his single friend, “Well at least don’t tell her your garbage until after the hors d'œuvres.”   I’ve not even made it to the hors d'œuvres.  I was dancing with a Christian man who told me that he had anger problems with his ex-girlfriend.  I took that as a sign from God he was not for me.

You can “test the waters” as far as some women will say something contrary just to get a response out of a guy.  Like a woman may say she does not want to have children, just to see if a guy wants to have children.  It is testing the waters to see what his feelings are about kids.

+++In Conclusion,

There are stages to dating and my husband and I based our dating relationship on Charlie Hedges book, Call It Love or Call it Quits.  He talks about the stages of dating are scoping, hoping, coping and roping. I’m not afraid to get into another relationship or back in the saddle again.  Even when I was divorced, I did not have the fear that I was going to get into another bad relationship. 

I believe that although my parents did not have a perfect relationship and my father was an unbeliever, they gave me a gift of an over 50-year marriage.  “To death do we part.”  My husband had parents that are both alive who are married over 50 years.  We both ended up in miss-matched marriages.  In looking at both my husband’s parents and my parents, they did not walk around in strife and criticizing each other (putting each other down.)  Taking out their frustrations in life on each other.  In fact, although my father was an unbeliever, I remember he cussed at the hammer when he hit his thumb, not my mother.

I’ve had some people who have told me that if their husband/wife passes away that they will never get remarried.  This person may be speaking for their future if they are single at 70 or 80 years old, but I guarantee you that they have no idea “what they would do” if they are in my shoes at my age.  They don’t know the trials you go through unless they have experienced the same thing.  People in my shoes, at my age, don’t go around making judgments or comments like that.  Fuzzy/warm memories don’t cuddle next to me every night in real life.  Those memories also do not help pay the bills, help with yard work, and provide companionship. 

Widows who are financially independent and don’t have much of a sex drive or need for companionship, may choose to stay alone.  It also takes a certain amount of faith to accept a new person into their life with a different set of good points and faults.   Once you have been in a great relationship for many years, you may not want to move on to a new person.  My daughter's friend has an elderly grandmother who babysat for her son so my daughter could work 3rd shift at night, and her grandmother said she was going to stay single until she met a man at church, and then she was too busy to babysit for my daughter anymore.  I know other widow or divorced women have told me that they "will absolutely not" remarry until they ended up meeting someone at church.  Love has a way of changing our hearts and changing us from being a Jonah in life.

I did not have any problems with dating someone 1-l/2 years after my husband passed away, what I found is I was trying to replace my husband.  Divorced singles many times are trying to replace a relationship so they seem desperate for just “any” relationship.  Widows/widowers will try to replace the person.  I was attracted to someone who had a similar background and similar mannerisms as my husband, but his value system was not the same.  Since then, I’ve could have been in at least five serious relationships if I wanted

Many people going through single parents struggles have made a choice to either raise their children on their own or they want help.    My husband sent me a letter in response to a single’s ad, “I want help with my two children.”  His 12-year old daughter made a comment, “Dad, It’s okay with me if you remain single.”  Well, his daughter did not run his life.   My husband did not wish to remain single at 39 years of age.  My husband’s letter to me was a “message in a bottle.”  I recognized he was overwhelmed.  The message was “I need some help woman.  I’m not doing well on my own.”   What was the problem in the beginning of creation?

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Genesis 2:18

It’s a helper suitable to you.  I find a vulnerable man is appealing to me.  I like a guy who is willing to admit, I need someone, maybe I need you. 

I believe my husband had a purpose in life and part of that purpose was to help me raise my four children and my purpose was to help him raise his two children, but most of all to present Christianity in their lives since it was missing in his former marriage.   He was not a perfect husband or a perfect father, but I believe he did a good job.   He served a role in his family, in his community, to his friends at work as a Christian.  I’m thankful that he left the testimony that he loved me.

Jesus said we are going to be fishers of men.  I wanted to share a few things on dating.  I definitely believe that we all could benefit from advice in this area.   I’ve been “rusty” in dating, because I’ve dated one man for the last 15 years.  We had a date night, usually it was Friday or Saturday night. When I went fishing with my friend Mark near Spencer, Indiana.  He caught four or five fish and I caught nothing.  I had gone fishing with my dad every vacation, I was in a fishing club in college, and I fished a lot when I lived on a canal in Jacksonville, Florida and off a pier, but did not remember what I was supposed to do since that was a few years ago like it has been several years ago since I was single.

Mark was telling me, reel it in faster, reel it in slower, and he changed the lure for me.  Usually when I get a nibble, I want to jerk the line some, but than other times, if I get a fish who is “hungry” then they are going to swallow your bait.  Just like regular fishing, I like a guy who is hungry…hungry for a good relationship with a good woman.  I currently like four guys.  I would like to narrow it down to one.  Nothing wrong with that, I’m single.  I’m bound to like guys (I would certainly hope) since that is a natural affection in my life.


People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, 2 Timothy 3:2-3
They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: Romans 1:31
In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion. Romans 1:27

I have this drive and it’s called I like men.   I’ve liked men probably in my stroller as in the movie,  Look Who’s Talking.   My first kiss and last kiss with the neighbor boy was at five years old who was my best bud/blood brother from cutting my finger and mingling my blood with his. I always kept him in the friend category, because of his lying and and some other devious behavior he had when I was growing up with him.

The other drive I have is I love to dance.  I was doing a jig in my baby crib.  I love to fast dance, ballroom dance, and dance with all my heart to the Lord at church, Christian concerts or at home.  I like this song below because it talks about a man who really knows how to dance.  E-harmony came out with a writing, “Couples that Dance Their Way to Happiness.”  My parents were ballroom dancers throughout their entire marriage.  My husband was not the best dancer as far as remembering dance steps, but at least he was willing to get up and dance with me.   

The Romantics - What I Like About You

Hey, uh huh huh
Hey, uh huh huh

What I like about you, you hold me tight
Tell me I'm the only one, wanna come over tonight, yeah

You're whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, 'cause that's true
That's what I like about you

What I like about you, you really know how to dance
When you go up, down, jump around, think about true romance, yeah

You're whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, 'cause that's true
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you

Wahh!
Hey!
What I like about you, you keep me warm at night
Never wanna' let you go, know you make me feel alright, yeah

You're whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, 'cause that's true
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you (whispered)
That's what I le about you (whispered)
That's what I like about you (whispered)
That's what I like about you (whispered)

Hey, uh huh huh, hey hey hey
Hey, uh huh huh, brrr
Hey, uh huh huh, hey

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