I’ve been to some good marriage seminars and my former pastor’s wife taught on the Song of Solomon and sex in marriage. Many Christian singles are constantly beat over the head about sex so their views are coming from being beat over the head all the time about their feelings towards sex and their impulses. I found myself in the land of singlehood almost five years ago. It was like waking up in the movie, “Hangover.” I have a very warped sense of humor and of most guys I have met, I like sex more than them. I spent 15 years of my life teasing my husband about sex almost every day. I knew how to pull his ball and chain and he could pull mine just as easily. So how does 15 years of that fit in with Christian singles?
Being a Science Fiction fan since I was a little girl, I like to quote from Sci Fi movies at times. I like that quote by Han Solo about when he cut opens up the dead Tauntaun for Luke Skywalker to stay warm from the snow so he does not freeze to death. He says, “I thought they just stunk on the outside.” Well - being single stinks on the inside and the outside.
Job’s wife and Naomi had some negative/anger issues in losing their children and Naomi also lost her husband. I find in life that attitudes get formed by the things that happen to us. Chuck Swindoll says its 90% our attitude and 10% what happens to you.
What exactly do we get from our parents? Many times we get their attitudes and we get their value system. We also can get our morality and ideas about sex from our parents.
We got our sin nature from Adam and Eve/our parents (Romans 5:12 Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned--)
Many men get their behavior from their dad. If their dad abandoned their family, they will abandon their family (seek a divorce). If their dad was a strict disciplinary, they are strict at discipline. If their dad had an affair, they won’t make a commitment to marry. If their dad did not spend time with their mother, but worked all the time, they will treat their wife the same. If their dad was not affectionate, romantic, opened the door for their mother, so they are not affectionate, romantic and have manners. If their dad was controlling, belittling, and a slave driver, they become that way to their wife.
If their parents were giving, they are giving. If their mother was comfortable with her sexuality, she passes those feelings down to her daughters. If their parents felt family was important, they will treat family important. We have to consider those patterns from our parents and break those patterns if they were not godly patterns. Usually those with a hard work ethic, got it from their parents. It’s like when I have a dress pattern and make a dress these are the patterns “handed to us.” Patterns are examples.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
In all things showing yourself a pattern (example) of good works: in doctrine showing incorruptness, gravity, sincerity, Titus 2:7
Imitate me, my brethren, and observe those who walk in this way according to the pattern (example) you have seen in us. Philip 3:17
Some people have made a conscious effort and decision (their will power) that they don’t want to be like their parents as far as the wrong behavior they have seen in their parents. If their parents were harsh disciplinarians, they don’t want to be a harsh person, if their parents did not spend time with them in sports, they decide they don’t want to be that way. They have the reverse. My mother was rather Victorian, but both my husband and I grew up in the sexual revolution so I decided I was not going to be like my mother. I still have to fight some of my upbringing, but it’s feeling comfortable with my sexuality. My mother and father did not believe in French kissing when the Song of Solomon is very explicit about a sexual relationship between a husband and wife. (Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon. Song of Solomon 4:11)
Some singles will choose celibacy for the rest of their life and Paul warned that younger widows (or divorced) should marry, that they won’t be able to keep their vows of celibacy. (1 Tim 5:11). I had a prophesy when I broke my ankle, not to miss the last step of my life like I missed the last step of my stairs and fell down and broke my ankle, but I had a further prophesy is not to “rush” the last step of my life. I was running down the stairs when I broke my ankle.
I know rushing becomes a sexual relationship and many men will try to rush that in your life. I was very lucky that my husband when I met him was not pushy for sex divorced at 38 years old. He believed in a marriage commitment. I was the one rebellious. Seeds of rebellion against God’s word can get planted in our hearts, because of bad experiences and rejection in our past that can corrupt us. I know that is what happened to me in saving myself in my first marriage and ending up with a lemon is I got a seed of rebellion.
Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: Ephesians 2:2
And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete. 2 Cor. 10:6
Against whom do you jest? Against whom do you open wide your mouth And stick out your tongue? Are you not children of rebellion, Offspring of deceit, Isaiah 57:4
What helped me in becoming widowed was giving the video camera of my mind to the Lord. It was the sexual experiences I had with my husband for 15 years. I could very easily transfer that camera and those experiences and feelings on to someone I liked and next I wanted to do those things. So one day I said, “God I give you the video camera of those sexual experiences with my husband.” Since that day my life has been so much better as a single Christian. My husband was like my comb that I could take out and use whenever I wanted to and then one day I lost my comb when I was using it!
In our society of sensuality, it’s hard to find men with high virtues, but I would consider if a man is more considerate about your heart than his physical needs, than you have a winner and I had a winner previously. There are some winners out there (in the winner’s circle) that are more concerned about your heart. A few good men! I’ve met some men that played a nice game in dating, and then later they did the 180 degree turn where they became Mr. Hyde from Dr. Jekyll.
Once in a while I meet very arrogant men. These men have lost their marriages to pornography (get their kicks in looking at still pictures or movies), or divorced after several years of marriage, and they are trying to tell me a thing or two, like they are “know it all” about sex and love. Next, are single men that have never been married. Single men never married are like my new cowboy boots that are not broken in. They look very nice, but they put blisters on my feet because they are not broken in. These men are not broken in. Like a house pet, they have not learned to bend their will to another. Let’s do a check now. How long were you in a relationship and you pleased your wife, and she did not stay with you? Do you think there may just be a reason for an unsuccessful relationship in your life? Do you think that maybe a person that did learn how to please a man and make a man happy might just may have something to say?
This last guy I was dating compared me to his Pentecostal mother with her hair in a bun. I guess that is because of the 7th date, I only kissed him. The kissing was very nice and I enjoyed it, but I don’t like to start a huge fire that I can’t put out. I learned that when I was five years old, playing with matches.
“Saving Yourself” like the Sense Field song is saving your virtues for a quality man or woman so when you become in union with them you can actually become united with them, because you are not thinking about someone else all the time. You are able to give your full heart to them. This is not easy when you are divorced or widowed, or you have lived and been involved with someone, but I consider the more people you come in union with sexually, just realize the harder it becomes to really become in union with the right person.
Samson had a problem where he got involved with Delilah, who exploited his weaknesses. She pushed him and pushed him to tell him his secrets and then used that against him because of fear of the Philistines. We don’t want a person who has no consideration to understand our hot buttons and exploits our weaknesses. That is not a true friend, but considered the person that Samson got involved with!
Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." 1 Cor. 6:16
Our foundation or core of our being can be cracked at times. We have to have a solid foundation in Jesus Christ. The Bible talks about building hay, wood, stubble (1 Cor. 3:12) on the foundation and everyone’s works will be burnt with fire. But some people never get that “solid foundation” in Christ and that is why in times of persecution and trials they quit going to church and they are offended. Psalm 1 talks about being like a palm tree and bending back when bad things happen. I think of that scripture that Paul says, “I travail again that Christ be formed in you.” Some people never have Christ formed in them. Galatian 4:9
What is really having Christ formed in you? It’s having a strong foundation in the word. Jesus was the word that became flesh and it’s when God’s word becomes a huge part of your life. Solomon said to exalt the word and that the word will exalt you. (If you prize wisdom, she will make you great. Embrace her, and she will honor you. Proverbs 4:8)
Look at your life and consider what do you exhalt and promote in your life?
Exalt the Lord our God and worship at his holy mountain, for the Lord our God is holy. Psalm 99:9, 99:5
Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together. Psalm 34:3
The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God my Savior! Psalm 18:46
Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people and praise him in the council of the elders. Psalm 107:32
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