Helpful Hints in Life and Dating #100-126

I have divorced women ask me how to meet the right man. I've had 5 different men I dated from Christian single groups, 2 from friends, 5 from meetup.com groups and around 12 from online sites Match, LoveandSeek, PlentyofFish, but as the song "Save Yourself" by Sensefield I'm saving myself.  Dating sites are like playing the slot machine and I got lucky when I was divorced in meeting my husband. In the meantime, "I'm going to Vegas baby."

When playing the slot machines, you need your bucket of quarters. My bucket of quarters for an online dating site is $260 bungy jump pictures to get an active guy. Pictures and a good profile are the bait. Jesus knows how to catch fish and where to let down our nets (Luke 5:4, John 21:6). Three lemons you have a match. My husband was a lemon too. There are no flawless guys. Add a little sugar to a lemon and you make lemonade.

Evolution teaches “survival of the fittest.” God’s kingdom it says “let the weak say I am *strong.”(Joel 3:10) God gives more grace to the humble (James 4:6, 1 Cor. 12:23). Don’t short change yourself. Gideon was short in stature and least among his clan (Judges 6:15), Paul (Saul) killed Christians and was probably a Zealot (terrorist). God is not looking for perfect people; He is looking for yielded vessels.

I learned in a Christian marriage how much a person fails to meet your expectations at times. But I did have a great crutch in life. It’s sort of like when you break your ankle you have crutches to help you. The more you don’t baby the broken ankle the leg heals faster. Although, I've not water skied since I can feel my ankle is not totally recovered in one year. Our heart is like that (Psalm 34:18, 147:3, Isaiah 61:1). Do I have to be perfectly healed emotionally before I get in the right relationship or is God’s grace sufficient to make it in life when I go through trials in a new relationship? (2 Cor. 12:9). I still walked with my cast on my foot. God grace is sufficient for every trial in life including blending together in a marriage.

I was dating someone for four months and the man changed gears on me. It was like driving a truck and everything was fine and then one day he popped into a different gear and broke up with me. We ended on a sweet note. I moved on happily meeting my future husband and he was married and was not happy. Many people don't know what they want. I did not harbor resentment. Don't sabotage (shoot yourself in the foot) the next relationship. Let go of strife and bitterness (Matthew 5:23).

Even Jesus could not do miracles in his hometown because of unbelief (Mark 6:4-5). I don’t want to be like his hometown folks. Nor do I want to be like the children of Israel who were dull of hearing God’s voice (Hebrews 3:15; 3:7-8, 4:7). Instead I want to be Samuel who said, “Speak Lord your servant is listening.” (1 Samuel 3:10). Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).

I attended a single's Bible study and when I was in grief, three people jumped down me how God did not want me to be sad. It says "mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15). Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus (John 11:35). Many people don't use tact. “God needed him in heaven." Reminds me of Art Linkletter's show on kids. Instead of “Kids Say the Darndest Things,” God's kids say the dumbest things. Death is the last enemy to be destroyed (1 Cor. 15:26).

Sarah laughed about having a child to the angels when it was past child bearing age. The last laugh was from God. For nothing will be impossible with God. (Luke 1:37) (Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son." Genesis 18:4) She expressed her lack of faith to the point where God's promise seemed ridiculous. The Lord came through regardless! He also blessed Hagar and Ishmael. God didn't hold the alternate plan against them. He is faithful, even when we are not (Hebrews 10:2) God’s gifts and calling are without repentance (revoking) (Romans 11:29). That is why David refused to hurt Saul.

I believe in putting faith to action (James 2:17). My best moments have been ministering in women's prison and giving the spiritual "bread of life" (John 6:35) My husband and I were always active - not home bodies. Sometimes, I take a break to pray, but we were involved in the community: homeowners association, leading teen church socials, bowling socials, computer clubs, work and college organizations and boy scouts. Besides loving each other and attending to our children's needs. Since he passed away I've continued to stay active in some type of ministry to others (Acts 20:35). I'm cautious to give where it's the most productive and not be taken advantage in helping others.

On a battery terminal, I'm positive. I have been this way all my life. When I met my husband I noticed he smiled a lot and everyone told me how he smiled all the time. Being married for 14 years was like having a charge added to my positive charge every day. I try to hang out with others that build me up (1 Thess 5:11, 5:10-12). I've also started thanking God in negative things such as when the raccoons tore up my car when I was camping and someone left the window down. I was in a bad mood that morning, but I found I was able to turn that around with giving thanks (1 Thess. 5:18). It's an act of faith to give thanks when you don't feel like it.

You are not replaceable. Not everyone can fill your shoes. Some people have the philosophy that you are replaceable in marriage and work. I had a job where my boss said I replaceable and then it took them over six months to find someone when I moved from Florida to Indiana. Judas was called to be a disciple. Jesus was patient to let Judas continue to steal from him and even washed his feet, and eat with him, and Judas continued to hear God’s word. The disciples replaced Judas but you don’t hear about that person who replaced him. Jesus wanted Peter to give up his love of fishing and love him more (John 21:15). Is there something holding us back from following Jesus? For the rich man the one thing he lacked was his love of his riches (Matthew 19:22). Costly (precious, highly awarded and decorated) when a solider of God is lost in the battlefield of life (Psalm 116:15).

I’ve noticed that we tend to become the thing we despise in life (Roman 7:24). People who hate selfishness become selfish. It reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode where this man was prejudice and he persecuted people and then he woke up in the Twilight Zone and he was persecuted. I’ve seen people who hate pig meat and their house or office looks like a pig sty. I believe the key to life is like Yoda said to Luke in Star Wars you have to let go of your hate, fear, prejudice judgmental attitudes, but then take it a step further and follow the way of love: 1 Cor. 13. When I first became a Christian I memorized 1 Cor. 13 chapter. Easier to memorize then to live it. (For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12).

Catch and release. When to release? When I met my husband a widower had broken up with me I was dating two months previously and I was still in love with him. In fact, it took me over one year to get over him even after I was married to my husband. He was the most romantic and intense man I've ever known. I let him go because love wants what is best for a person and he decided I... was not best for him. I remember cringing sometimes when I would dance or get close to my husband because of my feelings for another man but I knew I could not let my husband go, he was too great a catch. My husband loved his ex-wife but could not live with her after the death of a child because of anger issues. We both gave love a chance and found out we could love another person at the same time in our lives. We were able to move successfully on and love each other. God has given us quite a large capacity to love. Love is the greatest. 1 Cor. 13.

Some women/men are like a crockpot and it takes time to warm up. Unfortunately, my engine does not take that long. If I see a hot guy it's Vroom. Vroom. I tend to go for guys that are the same way so I have to be the "stronger vessel" in this area as far as slow the relationship down and let my left brain (reasoning) take over. It's like a piano piece where it's better to build up the piece over time with the crescendo. I've found those relationships that are too good to be true are really "too good to be true" like I experienced with the widower before I met my husband. One scripture says "avoid the appearance of evil" which I think it appropriate at those times.

There are many things I miss about being happily married and people can knock marriage all they want, but not only do I miss my best friend, but mostly I miss my nightly prayer partner. I feel like half a person walking around the last four years. My husband and I were like a powerful Jedi force and that came through the intimacy of praying together. As a team in the prayer of agreement (Matthew 18:19) we had a lot more strength together for 15 years through prayer than my being alone. (How could one man chase a thousand, or two put ten thousand to flight, unless their Rock had sold them, unless the LORD had given them up? Duet 32:30).

Job kept his faith and when he prayed for his friends his captivity was turned. A good prayer for others is "Father forgive them they know not what they do." Two years after my husband passed away, I had a “monkey on my back.” The monkey was a spirit of condemnation. It first started when some Christians were putting me under a yoke of bondage about missing my husband. “God never promised you a rose garden as far as a future with my spouse or to let go of my past.” When I realized that I did not miss the future with my husband or the past, but I was missing my husband’s presence in the “here and now” the spirit of condemnation left me. Like Jesus said "sufficient is the evil today" and the evil I fight is missing him each day.

Condemnation causes us to shrink in our confidence towards God (Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16) and discourages our faith so that we won’t minister and help others since we are down (1 John 3:20-21). My greatest help in ministering to others has been through understanding their affliction (2 Cor. 1:4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. The accuser of the brethren is going to be cast down and every tongue that comes against us we can silence (Isaiah 54:17, Revelation 12:10). (Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the Lord, and Satan standing at his right side to accuse him…”Take off his filthy clothes." Then he said to Joshua, and then he said to Joshua, "See, I have taken away your sin, and I will put rich garments on you." Zechariah 3:1-4). Conviction is of God and He gives the power (grace) to change. Condemnation is from the enemy.

The submarine attack on a guy may or may not work. After going to single things for four years I could literally barf right now. Had my fill of platonic relationships. In the world there is “friends with benefits.” There comes a time you can submarine a guy if he is showing up on your radar scope. I’m meeting people who have been doing this single scene for 10-20 years. Not me folks. It sort of reminds of Porky Pig…”That’s All Folks.” I got out of that rat race when I was single divorced at 36 years old and met my husband through a single’s magazine ad. Lucky number 26. “Bet that the longer the tension builds, the bigger the explosion in the chemistry lab once you reach "critical mass." Gentlemen, watch especially for the tell-tale "sneak attack kiss" when a woman you thought was “just a friend” is feeling particularly happy, frisky or uninhibited. There’s no stronger an indication that she wants you to MAN UP and make the decision on behalf of both of you to drop the “semi” from “semi-platonic.”

Now just because I will submarine a guy into kissing me after being friends a long time does not mean I will keep kissing a guy all the time when he does not take me out and romance me. My husband and I had date night every Friday night. I made him spend some quality time with me in the evenings. In sales it's those who close the deal that get the commission. I've had four marriage proposals in life and I can think of a few guys who would run off with me to Las Vegas now. "He that winneth souls is wise." My father was dragging his feet about marrying my mother and when another man proposed my father got with it. My dad was who my mother really wanted, but he would not commit. It says: (Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it Proverbs 4:23.) I don't like users. My husband was a giver not a taker in general, but he still had a streak of selfishness in him at times.

God and I have this check-in policy like my husband and I did. At times it may seem like I’m on my own recognizance. This is a love union. As Apollo 13, I say to God, “Houston we have a problem.” Only it’s God You have a problem because I’ve given my problems to God (casted my anxieties on him (1Peter 5:7, Psalm 55:2) I am in relationship with God through union with Christ (Galatians 3:28, 1 Cor. 12:13). It’s free will that I love Jesus and do things He wants me to do (John 21:16-17). Like a marriage where you want to please your husband because you are crazy in love with him. As the Bride of Christ, there are benefits to this union. So it’s not “speak Lord your servant is listening, it’s speak Lord your wife is listening.” (Isaiah 54:5) I did many things to please my husband even when I did not feel like it. I’m not seeking to do my own thing in this marriage relationship with God. But like a marriage where two people go different directions and then the love is not vibrant and fulfilling you have to cut out distractions and other lover's voices. I cut out television in my life.

When a new couples gets married to each other you do not see very much of them because they are too busy loving on each other. I ran into a guy two Fridays nights ago dancing and he asked where I have been keeping myself. It's because many times on Friday night and Wednesday night I've chose to go to a prayer meeting/Bible study when I could have gone to a secular concert and I would have seen this man who I have a mutual attraction with. I made the choice to put something spiritual above my flesh. Many times I've seen horseback riding and air shows on Sunday but I made a decision to put God first in my life. I'm not under legalism but I do believe that giving God my best in life is giving him my time. So many churches always preach on tithing as money. It can be many things such as our time and energy. As we move closer to God, He moves closer to us. (Draw nigh to God and he will draw nigh to you, James 4:8). And I hear his voice say to me at times like a husband or a lover...come away my beloved, Song of Solomon 8:14

Like Han Solo, never tell me the odds when dodging asteroids in life. I have to turn off the voice of C3PO. C-3PO: "Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately three thousand, seven hundred twenty to one." Actually the odds are worse. Joseph was thrown unjustly in prison, David ran from Saul, Daniel was thrown in a fiery furnace and the Lion’s Den; most of Jesus disciples were martyred. Paul suffered many hardships of beatings, prison, shipwrecked, hunger, and exposure. It says to “endure hardship as a good soldier in Jesus Christ.” (2 Tim. 2:3). I pick up the newspaper and I see where people are chopped up and put in the refrigerator or buried in the back yard, I realize that life can be short and unfair. There is a reason that Jesus said to pray, “Deliver us from the evil one” (Matthew 6:13/Luke 11:4) and Paul said, "And pray that we may be delivered from wicked and evil men, for not everyone has faith (2 Thess 3:2)." If we are praying than it’s not automatic. Like many widows I recognize that I can lay around at home and moan or I could do like the movie the “Patriot” where he lost his two sons, but he picked up the American Flag and in his other hand his sword and led the charge to hold the line (Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all believers everywhere. Ephesians 6:17-18). We are not to believe every voice/spirit. For such people are false apostles, deceitful workers, who masquerade as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for even Satan masquerades as an angel of light.” (2 Cor 11:5, 13-14).

Life is a highway. Some people are on the broad highway (Matthew 7:13). Jesus is the way to eternal life so I want to be on his high way (John 14:6 I am the way the truth and the life). The Lord told me that I'm currently on a detour road in my life. Yesterday, I accidentally turned the wrong way down a one-way street downtown and got creamed by another car. But it was a minor fender bender. I don't want my life to be that way where I'm trying to go down a street I'm not supposed to enter. When bad things happen to me on this road of life. I'm thankful it is not worse. Maybe like Han Solo in Star Wars I'll find myself thinking I was in a cave and it's a giant monster and I'll say, "It's worse." My parents accepted the Lord into their hearts in my lifetime after I became a believer before they passed away of cancer, my father on his death bed. Before my husband had a massive heart attack he said, "I love you." When my daughter was shot in a drive by gas station shooting the bullet grazed her ear and landed in her cheek but she was okay, when my daughter totaled her car when a truck ran into her she only sprained her hand. So even though bad things happen, I'm thanking God because it says "as long as I have breath praise the Lord. (Psalm 150:6) Easy to do when you are on the mountain top in life. And it says, "I will bless the Lord at all times his praise will continually be in my mouth." (Psalm 34:1) When I am mourning on holidays, I ask God to give me the strength to praise him even when I don't feel like it or want to. The day after my husband passed away, I was in church singing songs. Many days it's a sacrifice of praise (Hebrews 13:5). It is well with my soul.

I still have many problems relating to God because I picture him as a harsh Heavenly Father because my father was harsh with me growing up and so was my mother at times. My “sensitivity training” was get that six inch shot of penicillin for ear infections while the doctor was hiding the shot behind his back or slap that alcohol, iodine or metholide on my cut and “suck it up.” Occasionally, my mother would blow on my wound. But many times she claimed I was too much a cry baby. I did a good job of sucking it up from the time I was 5 years old until I was 16 years old in that I never cried. Over and over the Bible talks about us being tenderhearted towards each other (Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32). Jesus is the sweetest name I know. My nephew is a single parent with custody of his two daughters full time was good about taking my grandson around Incredible Pizza and spent time with him at his level (teasing him) and he reminded me of my husband. My husband got down at the level to play with children at their level. It reminds me of God. He came down to our level to relate to us and became a man and through his spirit gives us the ability to come to His level (Philip 2:8). As James Taylor said, “How sweet it is to be loved by you. But you brighten up for me all of my days. With a love so sweet in so many ways.” Husbands love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Colossians 3:19. Nice to see there are still sweet men in this world.

Make love not war: I danced with a man on New Year’s Eve who said after serving in Vietnam he could not stay in his marriage because it was like a war zone (Galatians 5:15). I understand where he is coming from. I am from that generation of "make love not war." I had girls that ran around with a motorcycle gang that were always trying to beat me up in high school, but I refused to fight them because I was a hippie and a peacemaker (Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Matt 5:9). But then I started seeing myself turn into an angry/hateful person and I turned my life over to God. But my principle of peacemaking did not work well until I met my husband and he had the same philosophy of making love not war as far as he did not like to argue. We took our problems to the bedchamber like our parents and did not argue in front of our children. We discussed them, prayed and then we made love. More problems, more prayer and making love. I find it is that way with God too. If my life is like Vietnam than I have to spend more time loving on Jesus by seeking his face in praying, worship, and his word. It's time for more love in His bedchamber. (Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms. James 5:13)

I was attending Indian Creek singles Bible study for about four months, and I asked God if he wanted me to continue because I did not have a connection with anyone. During this time, I flipped through the Hallmark channel and watched an episode on Little House on the Prairie and it was called, “Be My Friend.” It was about a person who but messages in a bottle for help. She put them in the creek. Than through that Bible study I met a woman who had a work friend who lost her husband to a sudden heart attack like I did 4 years ago like me. I know the messages in the bottle put in the creek were the messages for help from Indian Creek. Laura Ingalls on the episode found several bottles. So far I had that first bottle, than there was one woman who I met briefly who lost her niece to toxic shock syndrome, and now a new widow is the third message in a bottle. During the episode it "troubled" Laura to find the bottles for help. Her father Charles told her if it bothered her to go the creek she could quit going. I know that the Lord was saying to me if it bothered me to go to single things I don't need to go after all I was in a happy marriage for 14 years, but Laura was driven to help this person who kept putting messages in the bottle. I'm driven to help other others who have gone through loss like me. It amazes me how God speaks. Sometimes I have to take many things by faith. Its bits and pieces God does not blast me out of the water with all the facts. Sometimes it’s a dry and barren wilderness like winter and I don’t hear God or feel a thing. Than other times its goose bumps and Shekinah glory. I do many things I don’t want to do or have any good feelings about them like when I first started attending that Bible study. We walk by faith not by sight or feelings (2 Cor. 5:7, John 20:29).