A man like Velcro: stick ability. I had blogged previously that I like a man like Campbell’s Soup, mmm good. I’m recanting the statement to say I prefer a man like Velcro with stick ability. As I shared, I hate waking up in my plane like Indiana Jones and the pilot and co-pilot have bailed out of the plane and there is no one flying the plane. That is what happened to me in my first marriage right after my twin daughters were born is my husband bailed out and left me holding the bag. Same thing in my second marriage as far as right after my daughter was born he made it clear he was not going to lift a finger to help me with a newborn. Hollywood and romance novels have sold us this idea of romantic love. What is love? Love is waking up in the middle of the night and fixing the baby’s formula bottle and changing poopy diapers, love is cleaning up a vomit mess when the kids or your spouse did not make it to the restroom on time when they have the flu. Jesus stretched out his arms and showed us what love is. Madonna sings her song, “I’m a material girl.” Mary has her song and it’s called, “I’m a practical girl. I like a practical guy.” I like practical Christianity. Jesus said if you continue in his word than you are his disciple (John 8:31, John 15:4-9), Jesus mother and brothers are those who hear God's word and put it into practice. (Luke 8:21), Peter if you love me feed my sheep (John 21:16-17), don’t say I’ll pray for you brother (be warmed and filled) and don’t give your brothers the things he needs or you don’t have the love of God in your heart (James 2:16, 1 John 3:17). I believe in putting faith to action (James 2:18). My husband proved to me he was an unselfish man when we were dating. I was able to look past his infatuation of me and see that he had a good heart. Husbands and wives are so different as far as most men it’s being your best for him every night. Sure honey, I work a full time job, get the kids dressed and to the babysitter, and then I come home and cook for everyone, clean up afterwards and then I’m supposed to give you my best at night. You go to work, come home and prop your feet up. My husband was just like that. Or maybe I’ve been watching a new baby all day. My grandson totally wears me out between changing, burping and feeding him. I told my daughter to bring him back when he is older. Maybe if I was retired or had a part time job, but I can only handle him a few hours, especially before his surgery when he was colic. I got my husband to participate in helping me some around the house, but I still did a lot more as far as pulling more weight. Later in life, I had him grill a lot, because I got burnt out cooking and cleaning for eight people, working and going to college part-time after 14 years of that. (Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes an abundant harvest. Proverbs 14:4). The way, I look at it, even the little help or support I got at times counted as a blessing than nothing at all.
The Power of Prayer: I was going through some difficulty last Friday and most of it was related to dealing with bitterness. I was talking to another widow about some things that have happened to the both of us in life and was concerned that the bitterness was going to consume me and I asked the Lord how do I overcome life? Jesus said, "in the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) I asked God, how do I not become a bitter person like Job's wife who lost all her children and everything she owned in one day and her husband lost his health, Naomi who became bitter when she lost her two sons and husband. I got the scripture in Jude 1:20 where it talks about praying in the spirit. It builds our faith and it talks about in the next verse "keep yourselves in the love of God." I've noticed when I increase my prayer life that I am able to deal better with bad things that happen to me and the stresses of life. We don't always tap into the resources available to us. When my grandson was sick in the hospital I had people praying because when Peter was in jail and James was killed, the church was praying when an angel brought Peter out of the jail (Acts 12:1-18). Jesus said that "men ought always to pray and not give up (Luke 18:1 the parable of the persistent widow). I have friends that have gotten discouraged when someone dies of cancer and said to me "What is the use of prayer?" I still believe in miracles and I've seen quite a few in my life and although we lose one battle in life (like cancer) or I lost my husband when I was praying when he had a heart attack in front of me, I'm not giving up that prayer never works. Prayer does and has changed things. When Job prayed for his friends it says that his captivity was changed (Job 42:10). It took Daniel 21 days to receive the answer to his prayer (Daniel 10:13), because of spiritual warfare and an evil angel was holding back his prayer request. Daniel was a man of prayer and prayed three times a day. He was thrown in the lion's den because of his prayer, but the lion's mouth was closed by an angel. I heard this one minister say when he leaves this planet he wants his jaw to come down and hit the podium that he wants to be preaching the gospel. When I leave this planet, I want it to be when I am praying. (Romans 12:11-12: Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.")
What impresses a woman who loves the Lord? When I was dating my husband his infatuation with me was rather a turn off, because I kept thinking, “You have not taken the time to know me, bud.” You don’t know my inner most heart (the innermost chamber). I was attracted to his sweet personality/temperament and that is what attracts me more than the physical now is a man’s heart. Especially if a man’s heart is after God. David’s heart was after God. (Acts 13:21-22). How can I possibly be tempted to be intimate with a man who has not taken the time to get to know my heart? Being single has been easy for me. Many times I dismissed him in dating, because he had not won my heart. Your Highness has dismissed you to go home and the sooner the better please! Paul talked about being intimate with God. To know God (Philip 3:10 I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection) David said he thirsted after God. (Psalm 63:1, 42:2, 84:2, 119:20, 143:6). Jesus said “If anyone is thirsty let him come.” (John 7:37, Revelation 22:17, Matthew 5:6, Isaiah 55:1). We can give, our bodies to be burned in service to the Lord, but if we don’t have love in our lives (in our hearts) it all profits nothing (1 Cor. 13:3). What the church does is get people into relationship with Christ, but then the marriage becomes like a wife having a relationship out of duty every night. There is no joy in her heart for that person. I looked forward to coming home every night after work to be with my husand. Our service for Christ is to be out of love and joy in our heart and knowing him. It’s like a marriage that lost her first love/joy in her heart for that person. That is what I struggled with is keeping that joy/love in my heart for my husband the 15 years I knew him and keeping it fresh and exciting. That is what I struggle with now is keeping my fire/zeal and love for the Lord and the joy of my salvation. (Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:12). The zeal/fervor of the Lord consumes me (Isaiah 9:7, Romans 12:11, 1 Kings 19:10, Acts 18:25, Zechariah 8:2). I’m not interested in living my life for God, I’m interested in living my life through God. It’s Christ in me the hope of glory. (Colossians 1:27)
Sexual Addiction? Is it sexual addiction or that some people have a high sex drive so they are not sexual addicted only it would appear that way. I would say that if they are never satisfied and have slept with 20,000 women, they are probably sexual addicted. More times I’ve hear of more miss-matched with a person with a lower sexual drive in marriage and they were literary tortured in the marriage. The other partner failed to meet that person’s needs. I like the saying by Vivian on Pretty Woman, where she said, “I’m a robot, I just do it.” Sometimes in marriage, it’s like being a robot, you just do it to please and meet your partner’s needs, but I found there was a great blessing in pleasing a person when you don’t want or feel like it. God seems to really honor that. I look at marriage as a fleshly decision, because marriage is pleasing the fleshly man, but it has another component which is I look at it as how can I further the kingdom of God when my physical needs are met. It’s sort of like when I owned a house where the power amp was not very strong. If I wanted to run more powerful sanders or anything that was going to pull more electricity than I could only use one of my outlets that had more amps or I was going to have to upgrade my old house to be able to take a stronger power surge. Otherwise we constantly have blown breakers. Even in my newer house a curling iron has blown a breaker because of an overload. We are resisting the flesh, the devil and the world. I find many times I am even fighting against the enemy in people too. If I’m not having my fleshly needs met than I’m struggling to fight the devil even more. That is an incredible drain on me. I can increase the amps in my life by plugging into God by getting in the word and praying, but I’m still fighting a power drain which is I don’t have my fleshly needs met. So when you have to determine what is available on the market in dating and what best meets your needs, than I’m considering what will best meet my fleshly needs and in turn it makes serving God in the ministry a lot easier when you don’t constantly have to fight the other power drains in life. I had a very short second marriage where it was too much of the physical (had great icing), but the cake flopped because we argued and fought all the time. If we could have stayed in the bedroom 24/7 we would still be married (Galatians 5:15, Proverbs 25:24, 21:9, 21:19) Now that I’ve had the full package relationship as far as getting along with a person and having great companionship, having a person I enjoy being with is top on my list and the physical needs/wants have become second. Coming out of a divorce, I only missed my physical needs being met. Coming out of a death, I miss both.
Changing global variables. I had blogged earlier that life to me is like a computer program. If I don't get the desired results I change the variables. Those are changing the local variables. The variables I changed when I was divorced is that I was a single parent running my four little ones to the zoo and the Children's Museum and I did not like doing that on my own. I wanted another single parent who had children so my children could have fun with their children. So I prayed for that and I went to single parent dances, played volleyball. They were Christian and secular socials but nothing worked l-l/2 years after my divorce so I took a step of faith. It was like actually a bungy leap of faith by advertising in a single's magazine. Many times I felt like the movie Predator, where I was Arnold and I just was avoiding getting my skinned peeled by some guy. But anyway, my step of faith paid off and I hit the jack pot. I found a good man. I would not have found my husband if I would have remained in Florida, but was forced to move financially to Indiana when I was going through a divorce. I try not to change global variables very often. Those are moving out state, changing jobs, selling my home, those are the more radical changes, but sometimes they do become necessary. I changed churches because I was too depressed that my husband and I went to that church for five years. We had changed churches for awhile and then went back, but it was hindering my joy by going to a place that brought back memories every Sunday. I'm a joy seeker. It's different than just being a fun seeker. I'm looking to bring joy to people's heart and my heavenly Father, and it's hearing those words like He said about Jesus, "This is my beloved son in who I am well pleased." or "Well done thou good and faithful servant enter into the joy of the Lord." My husband said I filled his heart with gladness took away the sadness of a divorce and losing a baby. In seeking a lifelong mate to me is to be relaxed with a person and to have fun with them and enjoy their smile and laughter.
Go where you are wanted, needed and loved. Secular dating advise will tell you that when you go on a date show some vulnerability. It's not talking about your past, but your present insecurities. I've been at Bible studies and when a man starts talking about his weaknesses, I actually find it very sexy. It's what led me to pursue one relationship two years after my husband passed away. It's because some of the onion of pride is being pulled back. The letter I received from my husband for my single's ad was a message in a bottle. "I need help." I have custody of a five year old full time and I may have my daughter who is 12 come live with me. That is not very "romantic," but it was something I could work with as far as a man who needed me. Next when I met him, he wanted me and then last, we grew to love each other. When Jesus saw a man by a pool who had been in that condition for a long time he asked if he willed to be made whole (well). I suppose if he wanted to stay sick, he could have stayed sick. For some people like their current condition in life, they like being single and alone. I just never cared for bunking single spiritually in Iraq.
The last time I looked I am a woman. But like Jack told Rose on the Titanic, Rose: Teach me to ride like a man. Jack: And chew tobacco like a man. Rose: And spit like a man! Jack: What, they didn't teach you that in finishing school? I grew up with a brother since my sister was married when I was six years old, and my best friend was the neighbor boy. My mother sent me to charm school/finishing school at 12 years old, but I was a Tom Boy. I was out playing football with the boys, climbing trees and riding the handle bars of my bike. My mother was not much a hand holder. I remember my father talking about how he grew up with a lot of children and his mother neglected him. He wore the same pair of overall jeans everyday to school for a week. I wanted to cry listening to him talk and my mother said, “Let’s get out the violins for a pity party.” My mother had rather military attitude and so I did not end up being a hand holder in life either. I’ve had more of an engineering personality of just fix the problem. God is an engineer and he sent his prophets in the Old Testament, but they did not say pleasant words so the Children of Israel killed them. God sent his loving son and he was killed too. My children complain about the way I am, but that is the way I am. I think I made a good companion for my husband because he was an engineer. I became the very thing I hate in life, a weak, emotional woman after lossing my husband. I never had problems with depression or mood swings even every 28 days. I’ve always been a very even keel person. I remember going to work and having a manager that would come in griping and the women making comments, “He is on the rag this week.” I went into computer programming field of study, because I wanted to compete with men. It reminds me of this woman I met who wanted to go into surgery and she cussed a lot since she was raised in Chicago. The “good old boy” surgeons did not want her because she was too much like the men. Don’t let women cross that line when it comes to female/male roles. Jesus exalted woman in the Bible because women were more like cattle that were bought and sold. I still run into male chauvinistic pigs and it can work both ways as far as females being like that. There is no male or female in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:28). The curse at the beginning of time was “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” Genesis 3:16. I had to deal with those male superior attitudes with my husband at times, but usually when I said, “What would Jesus do in this situation,” he would bite his lip. I also found that he did not like to bunk single at night so he learned how to get along with a woman. My husband grew up as the older of two women so he had some “training” before I met him and you can say I had some “training” before I met him in growing up with a brother.
Most of the time I feel like Jeremiah. He was the weeping prophet and to his generation everything he said fell on deaf ears. I just wonder many times if anything I say will get through to many people in our generation. We are a generation that is driven to distractions. I've been distracted many times from having a single purpose in life. I find now there are so many things that can distract us from a single purpose. I did appreciate my daughter sharing with me the commencement talk from Steve Jobs of Apple Computers. I thought that many things he shared were very enlightening. I'm sad that he did not win his battle with cancer. We may not win every battle in life. I just want to make sure I win the war. To me the war in life is fulfilling what my calling is in life. There is the acceptable will of God, the good will of God and the perfect will of God (Romans 12:2). I know if I continually feed my mind with the distractions of this world I won't renew my mind enough to determine what the perfect will of God is. I'm not sure I've walked in the perfect will of God many times in my life, probably more in the good and acceptable will of God, but I'm striving more to pray about things that I do in life and to have a purpose. (Philp 3:14) The greatest purpose I have right now in my life is to have a heart of compassion to reach out to others who have been on the mountain top, but are now in the valley.
I’m not looking for Mr. Right, I’m looking for a Mr. Who Will Admit He is Wrong. If you can get a guy to say, “I’m sorry,” then you have a jewel. I’ve rarely met a man at any of my jobs or been in a relationship where a man will admit he made a mistake. I’ve worked with lawyers, doctors, and educators. We know physicians make mistakes that is why they have high mal-practice insurance. Our family practice physician told me he was sorry when I lost my husband that he did not discern at his check-up in August that my husband had heart problems and he died a little over a month later. I was impressed that my physician humbled himself to admit he failed. My husband told me he was to blame for his first marriage failure, but I never heard “I’m sorry” out of his mouth to me in the 15 years I knew him. If I told him he was being a jerk, he would grin and change his ways. At least he would change! Saying I’m sorry, but then not changing (no repentance) what is the point of saying it? In a relationship, it’s not about changing our loved one, but there may be an offensive behavior that needs to change. Same way in my relationship with God. Heavenly Father have I offended you today? (We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check. James 3:2). Thank God for 1 John 1:9. When I could, many times I covered over my manager or husband’s mistakes as a mediator. It’s called get out Mary’s magic eraser to make my man look good (He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends: Proverbs 17:9, 1Peter 4:8, Proverbs 10:12).
I’m a steward of my spirit, soul (mind/will/emotions) and body. Am I starving my spiritual man? Do we feed him with the information from the world? Jesus is the bread of life and do I seek God’s living bread daily? (John 6:34, 6:48). My youngest grandson got off to a bad start in life with a gland that was swollen and blocked his intestine. Sometimes he would choke on his ...formula. It’s as if he is a newborn again two months later and starting all over again in life learning how to drink formula. Is that what we do to ourselves spiritually? Become a Christian and then fail to thrive and grow because we don’t feed on the word of God and let things block the voice of the Lord in our lives? (Luke 21:34, Eccl. 9:12, Mark 4:19) Or is the word of Christ dwelling in us richly? (Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. Colossians 3:16) and (Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. 1 Peter 2:2)
I look at a prayer request like I've given my waiter my order at a restaurant. My waiter (the Holy Spirit) has my order and he is checking the kitchen to see if it is available. If what I request is on hand then I get what I want. Otherwise the chef (God) may give me His special since sometimes the chef knows a better menu choice. I like "specials." I've had specials from tim...e to time. Sometimes I did not even pray they were just desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4) I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but with my husband and I raising six children it was not going to be a feasible financial reality. Then my husband’s boss called him and offered an expense paid trip to Hawaii for five days from a vendor. That was two years before he passed away. My husband and I wanted a water purification treatment system, but they were over $4K, then my niece called up and said she was selling one on Craig’s List so I bought it from her for $600. The week I planned to install it I got $500 back in escrow from my house which covered the installation to put the unit in. I always wanted to go to Australia and my kids moved there so the opportunity arose (Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. John 16:24). I look for those open doors of opportunity. Most of the time they come knocking when I'm out and about not being like the Dead Sea.
I have been too much like Darth Vader in Star Wars at times, at least with my ex-husband. It took me a long time not to want him to suffer for hurting me. It reminds me of when Han Solo hid the Millennium Falcon with the garbage on one of the Imperial star cruisers. The commanding officer comes to apologize to Darth Vader for losing the Falcon on his scope. It shows the officer choking and then Darth Vader says, “Apology is accepted.” In other words, apology is accepted after you choke for a while. In some episodes, Darth Vader chokes them to death if they fail him. No matter what an ex-spouse has done to us, Jesus Christ cancelled a larger debt in our lives. It took me quite a while to pray for the success of my ex-husband. It was one thing to say, “I forgive them” and then another to pray for their good. I’m trying to follow God’s word. (But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, Matthew 5:44) and (But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded v. 28 Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Matthew 18:32).
An Oasis in the Desert: It’s been 20 years since I’ve been in a bad marriage. When I sit down with men who tell me their horror war stories about controlling ex-wives, I can understand why they would not want to have another Egypt. I was in Egypt too (bondage) in a bad marriage before I had a good marriage. In a negative situation where Sarah drove Hagar and Ishmael out and s...he was in the desert and despaired for her life, God provided her an oasis. “Hagar and Ishmael made it approximately 80 miles before they collapsed from the desert heat. Thus, 16:7 tells of Ishmael and his mother's deliverance."And the angel of the Lord found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur." It is an extraordinary occurrence of the phrase, "angel of the Lord", seeing how this is the first time in all of scripture the phrase is used. Linguists and Bible Scholars agree that this phrase, when taken in context with the passage, seems to indicate an appearance of God Himself. Hagar is called by name. This astonishing conversation is recorded in Genesis 16:8-13.” The oasis is encouragement. God provided me an oasis of encouragement, and it was meeting Sally and Bill at a single’s group. At first they bothered me because they were always holding hands at this single's group I was going to and wanted to be around singles not couples. She told me that Bill is divorced, but he understands that she still loves both of her deceased husbands. I believe he could understand the relationship somewhat because he loved his wife, but it did not work out. Finding “common ground” or being “like minded” with a person is a key bonding factor either with a loving spouse or making friends (Philip 2:2, Romans 15:5). We want to find activities that we enjoy doing together, but our value system is what really drives us in life. God is love and I won’t be married to a person who will squelch the love I had for my former spouse, because of their insecurity issues. I accepted my husband and that he loved his living ex-wife but could not live with her. The step children had pictures of their parents together hanging in their room, but that was their space. At times I had many hassels from the ex-wife concerning raising the step-children. I endured much from an ex-wife for 14 years and that was with a living person not just a memory!
There were victims of 9/11 and there were victims in 9/11. I can't imagine as a better alternative to jump out of a sky-scraper than be burned alive. What is a similar experience in my life is how those airplanes were shown by television crashing into the Twin Towers over and over, the scene of my husband's heart attack played over and over in my mind and in my daughter's mind. My children and step-children lost their father that they can never talk to and with a sudden death you don't get to say goodbye. I don't get caught up in small unimportant matters anymore and I'm looking for other victims of a tragedy in life to reach out to. On this 9/11 I was out camping and boating with friends and forgot about it and I think in some ways that was a good way at times to do your best to find what makes you happy. Glorify the person's life and not think on the negative of their death. The 4th anniversary of my spouse's passing is coming up and I would rather think of how he blessed my life for 15 years. On the very first anniversary I wrote a letter to him of my disappointments and happiness in our marriage and than burnt the letter. This is a custom of the Indians to send it into the spirit world. All my children wrote a letter to him at the funeral and put it in the casket. It was one way to move on is through journaling. Journaling is a good way to write down your goals for your future and what you want to accomplish as a prayer request to God. Also a good way to appreciate a person who meant a lot to us.
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